Beyond Blood
by starmoon88
Summary: A brother sister relationship destroyed. A scary chest pounding love emerging. An unhealthy need to be ignored. And a life changing decision. This is her story, Sakura Kinomoto.
1. Chapter 1

**Beyond Blood**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

The door creaked opened as he took what felt like his first steps into the house. Savoring each moment like never before, he lightly closed the door.

A foreign feeling greeted him with each step further into the house. Walking aimlessly like a zombie, he kept his head down as his bangs partly covered his soulless brown eyes.

He glimpsed his father passing by wearing a striped blue and white apron. His joyful face ignited a rage he did not know he possessed. Water began to surround his squinted eyes. And quickly he looked everyplace else trying desperately not to let any emotions surface.

"Is your sister with you?"

His sullen face snapped towards the tall figure. Rage was beginning to build as he clenched his fists fighting the urge to punch the man that he calls father. However, feelings of sorrow and detachment began to sink in relaxing his body and mind.

He knew better than to allow such a question to stir up whatever was left inside of him. In a sense his father was no longer there. His actions were nothing more but those of a robot, predetermined and continuous. His thoughts were of only the past. And his joyful face and positive words were proof enough.

Disregarding the question, knowing too well that any truthful answer given will be ignored, he headed up the stairs.

He placed his hand on the doorknob to his room…he stopped…and turned to the door directly across the hall.

Sakura's room.

The closed wooden door served as a barrier, but knowing that he can easily break it was enough temptation. His slow steps felt like one quick motion. Instantly, he was standing in the now opened doorway to her room.

The familiar scent of Cherry Blossoms mixed with light hints of raspberry lingered in the atmosphere.

Carefully, he stepped onto the white carpeting, not wanting to move even one fiber out of place. The sun's blazing light shinned in giving the cozy room a heavenly feeling. Explaining why the girl that lived in here once gave off the presence of an angel.

He sat down on the soft spring bed hearing the well-known squeaky sounds. Gliding gently over the surface, he felt the cloud like fabric contrast to his rough hands.

He looked at her pillow, which to his dismay held no indication of her stay. It was as if her soul was never here to begin with.

Reluctantly, he laid back onto the bed wanting to feel closer to her. Yet he feared that his mere presence would change everything destroying what he had left. He knew how easily he could disrupt the perfection around him.

He opened his arms out from one end of the bed to the other, feeling the need to hug her once more. Missing how tight she used to squeeze him.

Water began to burn his eyes again, but this time it managed to break the invisible shield allowing a few drops to slide down.

His stretched arm reached under the pillow and hit something solid, something square.

Sitting up he pulled out the object staring at the brown leather cover with the golden edges. Stray papers were randomly sticking out, already crumpled by the light weight of the pillow.

It was nothing more than a plain book but as he looked at it, he could not help but feel there was more to what he was looking at. For it to be so close to someone, even as they slept, it must have some value, significance that one cannot see by simply looking at it.

Gently, he placed his fingers between some pages opening the book. The creasing sound told him that it has been some time since anyone has last opened it. When exposed all that was seen were blank pages waiting for someone to fill them. He flipped backwards towards the front of the book until he came upon a page that had writing.

* * *

**April 16**

**I remember it so clearly. I remember everything so clearly. Touya and I would make plans for every Friday night to spend time together. Normally, we would go to the video store and rent three movies. One for him. One for me. And one that we both wanted to see. I had to sit through his movies and him through mine. It was like an unwritten rule the two of us had. A fair exchange since we always ended up liking the same movies anyway. **

**I miss that. The times when we used to laugh. I mean truly laugh. When I used to be happy to see him. When coming home from school was a treat because I knew that he was there waiting for me. **

**Yeah…I miss that.**

**But those were the good old days. The days before I became bitter and angry. Before all happiness slipped from my grasp and all I feel is guilt and depression. The days before he got a girlfriend. **

**I have become a person that I never imagined I could become. This morning I woke up and got dresses for school. **

**That's it. **

**No music…no smiles…no nothing. I've tried to brighten up my day. I know it isn't good to be so young and yet so old all at once. But I no longer care to hang out with friends or go to parties. And I've already learned that drinking away my problems would do no good. **

**I walked down to the breakfast table. Dad told me the day before that he was going to make me my favorite blueberry pancakes. **

**He's trying hard to make me into the person I once was. I know he can see the difference in me. When we talk I no longer argue nor do my eyes light up at the sight of him. I try hard…not to show him my pain, not to become a disappointment. But he knows. When I stare off into space with no expression…he knows what I'm thinking about. When I sit in front of the television forgetting to turn it on…he knows. **

**So I have made a promise to myself. I will always smile when I see him. Try not to let my mind wonder and just fake being happy. **

**I don't want him to worry about me. Especially, when we have bigger finical situations to worry about. My problems are insignificant and childish. But it hurts.**

**A light kiss on my forehand blasted me back to reality. **

**I didn't even realize that I was sitting at the kitchen table staring a hole into my pancakes. **

**I looked at my father. **

**He smiled and rubbed my head messing up my hair. **

**He knew what I was thinking about. He always does. **

**But I had to try. Maybe if I forged a smile he would think everything is ok. Maybe he would stop forcing his happy expressions in a useless effort to make me feel better. Maybe all one needs to do is smile a little and all sad, miserable feelings will wilt.**

**I took a deep breath. **

**Yes, this is what I will do. If I cannot be happy at least I can appear happy. I'll do anything to lessen his worries. **

**I took a fork filled of food trying to bring joy from any little happy sensation I got. Any little positive idea or sweet taste that came to me, I'd use it as an inspiration. Who knows, if I do this long enough I might just become a great actress one day. Then I might really have something to smile about.**

**I was doing great. Ten minutes passed and still no sign of a frown. That was until he entered the room. **

**He sat next to me like there was no problem. Well…in a way there wasn't really a problem. At least not one that he knew of. **

**The sent of his cologne made me want to barf. He piled stack after stack of pancakes onto his plate not even thinking about if dad had eaten. **

"**Morning Squirt."**

**He rubbed my head messing up my hair. What kind of insensitive jerk does that when I have to go to school? Really all he cares for is himself. I can't wait for the day he moves out. **

**I nodded purposely not saying a word to him. The less said the better. **

"**What time are you getting out today? If you want I can wait and give you a ride."**

**His nonchalant voice made me want to slap him. Not even an eagerness for me to say yes. Like my company is nothing more than that of the wind. **

**I continued to eat my food until I felt a hard nudge from besides me. **

"**Well squirt…when you getting out?"**

**I shrugged my shoulders resisting the urge to yell. Holding my tongue, knowing well that if any word was to come out my mouth my dad would punish me. **

**Feeling another nudge I dropped the fork which I considered to be a dangerous weapon in my hands and punched him with every bit of strength I had. **

**But as I suspected…to him my fists were feathers, not even being able to give off the threat I had intended. **

**He however, took that as a challenge and nudged me again, but this time with more force. **

**I didn't even look at him as I got up and went for my bag lying under the golden framed mirror. After securing the backpack to me I noticed my face. **

**My hair was a mess and I had forgotten to put on my lip gloss. But those little details were the least of my worries. **

**That frown. That horrid haunting frown that I tried so hard to banish from my face….it came back. **

**How?**

**How could this happen? I tried so hard to be happy, to be carefree. How in hell could this happen?**

**I turned towards the kitchen viewing my brother sitting there eating all traces of anything eatable. **

**My chest began to rise and fall at such a quick speed. **

**I can hear my own breath. **

**Water began to sting my eyes and piles of pent up anger were ready to fall. **

**I hate him. I hate him so much. **

**I saw my dad standing there looking at me. His concern was all that could be recognized through my anger. **

**He knew. **

**He always knew.**

* * *

He slammed the book shut looking away. His hands gliding over the leather texture as he began to think.

'_I hate him. I hate him so much.'_

Those words, as if she had spoken them herself were echoing through his head. Not once did he ever think that she could hate him. They were too close to ever let a little thing like hate come between them.

He had to admit that in the recent months that went by, his feelings towards her resembled that of hate. They would no longer acknowledge the presence of each other. And speech was something that rarely happened between the two.

Their father, being the caring person that he is, tried his best to mend the broken relationship. Going from person to person, sending information of love and regret. But now it was clear that it was all false.

He looked down at the book. His eyes no longer possessed the loving caring side of him that was tortured by her absence. He was looking through new eyes. Eyes of resentment, hatred, and curiosity

These were her words, her private thoughts that he was reading.

He squeezed the book between his hands.

He was never a man to invade hers, or anyone else's privacy. He had opened it with intent to feel a lost connection, to be able to relate with her in a way that no other could. They were blood. Who knew her better than her big brother?

But when he reopened the leather cover, it was no longer for the purity of knowing his little sister. He did not care to feel any connection with someone that could hate him for no apparent reason.

He read to fuel his satisfaction. He wanted to prove to himself that his actions towards her in the recent months were justifiable. He was now collecting evidence to build his case against her. He needed to prove to everyone and mostly himself that he was not the reason why she could never come back. It was her own undoing that is making their father silently suffer.

That book was his key to winning the battle that lost him the war.

He opened the front cover of the book feeling the paper between his fingers.

In a split second he hesitated on whether it was worth it. To read what she thought of him…of everyone around her. But after coming to the conclusion that no emotion he read can hurt him more than that of hate, he easily read the front page.

* * *

**September 10**

**I do not intend for this to be a diary, a journal, or a log. I will not fill it with meaningless rumors and gossip. **

**My father brought this book for me while he was out of town looking for a job. I tried to explain to him that I had many notebooks and needed not another one. But he wanted me to write down my thoughts and not equations. **

**I don't talk much about my personal feelings. I view them as my own burdens. But my dad thinks it is unhealthy for one to hold in such things. He feels that I have an inexcusable amount of stress for someone so young. **

**Personally, I don't see why he worries so. I am young, healthy, in college and happy. **

**I have just started my first year in the closest community college. It is not that I am not smart enough to go to a big time university, but I am not rich enough. My father has managed to put my brother through college but unfortunately for me I have no such luck. **

**My daddy is no longer employed. Over the summer his company laid him off without so much as a warning. **

**But things will look up. I can get a job and that combined with my brother's help, will ensure us a place to sleep and food to eat. **

**At least we have each other. In the end our love will only get stronger. But I do worry about my father much of the time. I've seen the dampened look he gets when picking up the mail. How he tosses the bills aside trying not to worry us with his problems. **

**He's a good man my father. And even through our hardships I know God still loves us. My mother is up there staring down at me with grandpa by her side. **

**They won't let anything bad happen to me…to us.**

* * *

**September 22**

**College is so much harder than I had expected. I am no longer being forced to show up for class, and the idea of skipping seems more appealing with each day that passes by. **

**At least I have made new friends.**

**When I got into class today I sat up in the front like I always do. I remember in high school I would try my best to sit in the back, but I figured that since I have to pay for this education, might as well get the most out of it. **

**I'm studying to be an engineer. My dad has been trying to get me into software, but I have a passion for the complexities of a schematic, and the challenge of bringing it to life. It is a passion my father could never understand and at times even I don't see the thrill in it. But I know the sensations in me when I have successfully designed and built a circuit that works. How my heart beats faster knowing that I can hear what's wrong with a circuit without laying eyes on it. **

**It is my passion, but also encumber. No boy wants to be with a girl that rather smell like solder than vanilla. A girl that takes no mind to her appearance but cares very much about resonate frequency. **

**But it is not like I'm unlike any other girl. I do dream about being hugged and kissed. I think about finding the right guy and one day getting married. I dream about one day being the princess of some guy's heart. Having him view me as the girl that I really am, and not the girl that I appear to be. **

**So of course when the teacher tells us to pair up no boy wants to be with me. I'm as plain as they come. **

**Tomoyo, the girl who is on the other end of my newly formed friendship, is the opposite of me. Although she may not know the basics of the trade or even understand binary, I sometimes wish to be her. She gets the attention from the opposite sex that I fail to acquire. She has a way with people that make it easy to talk to her. After one introduction she can immediately become your best friend for life. **

**She's really nice. Plus she's friends with Eriol. He's a guy in my class that I think is cute. I won't go so far as to say that I like him, but I still think he's cute. **

**To them I am a baby. I am only 17, while most of my friends range from 18 to 23. I am inexperienced in life, love, and probably anything else that started with an L. The good part is that they feel that it's their duty to tell me everything I don't know. Must be because it hasn't been long since they were in my shoes. **

**When I got home my dad was in the porch waiting for me. He viewed this time out of work as a blessing. He's usually too tired to even listen to our day, but now he waits just to see us smile. Him being home if anything, has brought me closer to him. **

**My brother is like a second father. He looks out for me and teaches me morals and life like a father would his daughter. It has gone so far that he would brag about me to his friends. Telling them about my latest accomplishments and comparing me to their little brothers and sisters. **

**He told us that they used to say he was lucky because he had a sister that didn't bother him, and because I liked to watch the football and basketball games with him. It's not everyday you get a sister like that. **

**I used to be extra proud that I was like no other little sister. I was not annoying and it was his option to spend time with me. **

**That to me was the most important thing. It is one thing if he felt obligated either by his own conscious or by my father to spend time with me. It was another if he willingly came home at night just so that he could talk to me. Hear about my day and tell me about his. **

**I did my fare share of bragging. I would tell all my classmates when growing up that I had the best brother. And after hearing stories of other families I've concluded that I in fact had the best brother. **

**Everything is going to work out ok with my father and brother by my side. **

**Speaking of my brother, I wonder where his is?**

* * *

**October 3**

**I've finally got the hang of things. College isn't really that bad. In between classes I go out with Tomoyo and Eriol to pick up something to eat. Since I understand everything in class, it's only natural that I help them out when they need help. **

**Tomoyo didn't come in on Thursday so it was only Eriol and I. **

**He was sitting to the desk trying to figure out problem 5. I noticed how his lips would slightly part when he couldn't understand a question. His dark blue, almost black hair shinned in the florescent lighting. The way he licked his lips every so often when he thought they were dry. **

**I know I must sound like a schoolgirl, but I can't help it. There is something about him that makes me want to be close to him. A weird feeling, yes I know but it's still something that I can't repress. I like spending time with him. He's funny, smart when he needs to be, and he loves to smile. **

**I figured since he's a happy person and I'm a happy person that we would be perfect for each other. But I know it would never happen. All thoughts of being with him crashed when I talked with Tomoyo on the phone earlier. **

**I was sitting in my room listening to music when I heard my cell phone ring. Normally I wouldn't have a cell phone, but my dad and I agreed that with me spending so much time in school, that I needed a way to contact him. **

**When I picked up the phone I heard Tomoyo's normal cheerful voice on the line. **

"**Sakura! You won't believe the new shoes I just brought! They are pink with straps that go up to your knees. It is so gorgeous, you have to come over and check em out."**

**I smiled at how a little thing like shoes can brighten up her day. **

"**Tomoyo, I don't even know why you're taking all those classes. You should try to design clothes. I've seen some of your drawings. They're amazing."**

"**I know." **

**Her voiced sounded lower on the other end. She never told me why she didn't go to the school of her choice. Or why she wasn't studying fashion. And I'm not the person to pry it out of her. **

"**You missed class AGAIN. How do you expect to pass when you don't even show up?"**

"**Don't worry," Her voice returned back to her cheerful tone, "I went over to Eriol's house earlier and copied his notes."**

"**You know you could've copied them from me if you wanted."**

**I was hoping that my voice didn't reveal what my mind was thinking. Thinking about Tomoyo alone with Eriol was not one of my best thoughts. True they are both my friends, but she's so much prettier than I am. If he ever did take a good look at her then there would be no hope for me.**

"**Yeah but he lives closer. Plus I got to see his girlfriend."**

**I felt a shiver through my body moving from head to toe.**

"**Girlfriend? I…didn't know he had a girlfriend?"**

**I tried desperately to sound calm. To sound like saying 'girlfriend' didn't hurt one bit. I couldn't let Tomoyo know that I had a mini crush on Eriol. We were friends. Things like attraction and feelings would only destroy that relationship. **

"**Yeah, Sakura she is so cute. Don't know how she could ever stand to be with the Beast."**

**The Beast was our little name for Eriol. We would joke about how Tomoyo was the Beauty and Eriol was the Beast. Of course my feelings were the exact opposite of my words, but I couldn't tell him. It was never like me to just openly come out and tell people how I felt. Whether it be good feelings or bad, I always held them in. **

"**Yeah…the Beast."**

**There was a silence that hung in the air. It was not that I was lost for words or failed to come up with a topic we could talk about, but…I feared that if I did open my mouth one more time I would give away what I was really thinking, what I was really feeling. **

"**Well, next time you need help just call. And don't forget about that movie we're going to."**

**We bid our goodbyes and hung up. **

**As happy as I was to hear Tomoyo's voice, I was just as happy to hear her hang up. We may have become instant friends over night, but I have yet to feel comfortable enough around her where silence was just enough. Our friendship was too novel to experience the awkward silence, minus the awkward. **

**I really only had that closeness to three people. Risa, my dad, and my best friend in the entire world…my brother.**

**I was supposed to go to the gym with him today. My brother has this thing about working out. **

**While he lifts the weights, I will be shooting around mostly missing every attempt at the hoop. **

**I remember some time last year when he took me to a new gym. He had to go through his daily workout routine leaving me alone in the gym throwing that orange ball into the net. **

**There were others shooting, practicing to become a better player. **

**When I shoot the ball I visualize myself in the fourth quarter of a game with fifteen seconds left on the clock and the other team is up 93 – 92. Although, it may not seem like much, in basketball fifteen seconds can translate to three or five minutes. **

**My teammate would inbound the ball to me frantically dashing onto the court. I would start dribbling, feeling the sweat roll down my wet face as I searched for the open player. I pass it back to my partner knowing he is the better shooter and run behind all the hysteria trying to free myself of the defensive player blocking me. On queue the center would move up setting a pick knocking down my adversary allowing me the open shot. **

**The ball whips through the air hitting my hands at a force I have to ignore as I jump up tossing the ball towards the net. Hearing the whistle blow in the background I watch the ball bounce from one side of the rim to the next until it tips over the edge and into the other players' possession. **

**I missed it. The shot that would have won the game. All hopes are gone as my body slumps and my eyes droop. **

**I lost the game. **

**But then the referee calls a foul on the player that hit my hand without my knowledge, sending me to the line to shoot my free throws. **

**The crowd goes silent and I can hear the sweat drip on the court floor as the men line up in two rows. Some bent over breathing heavy, others concentrating on the ball in my hands. **

**I dribble, bend my knees, bounce up and down stretching my hamstrings before extending my arms and hurling that ball into the air. **

**Nothing but net. **

**The fans go wild stamping their feet and cheering as they jump with excitement. **

**Then the ball is back in my hands and all is silenced. I hear the coughs of an elder man sitting in the balcony as he struggles to see with his poor vision. **

**I bounce the ball, straighten up, and extend my arms one last time. All eyes follow the path as it hits the back of the rim rolling around the edge before it falls between the net. **

**The game is over and the people rush to the court lifting me up on their shoulders as the music begins to play signaling our victory. **

**In reality the shot I attempted as those wonderful thoughts raced through my head bounced off the front of the rim being reflected to the other side of the court. **

**As I forget my moment of imaginary glory I run after the ball finding it in the hands of a stranger. **

**He passes it with more force than I have thought possible causing it to sting my hands on acceptance. Thinking myself proud that I must look strong enough to receive such a rough pass I smile and go back to my world. **

**However, later I found out my brother had yelled at the stranger for the aggressive pass. I smiled yet again upon hearing this news. **

**My gratefulness of being deemed worthy of such a pass was in no way measurable to the knowledge of how much my brother protected and watched over me. **

**I know that he will always be watching over me.**

* * *

**October 8**

**I was sitting in the living room watching television when my father entered the room. **

**My first thought was that I should be doing homework. I should be doing something that could show him why he was struggling to pay for my education. **

**I was nothing but a load for him to encumber through these hard times. I had no way of carrying my own weight. With school full time and the crazy schedule of my classes, there was no way I could get a decent job to hire me. **

**At least my brother was out of school. He always seems to be off at work trying to make more money to help support this family. **

**What would we do without him?**

**Sitting next to me he pretended to be interested in the program I was watching before deciding to open his mouth. **

"**Sakura, how are things going at school? I know this must be a big change from the normal high school setting."**

**The guilt of not holding a book sank into me, and now I wish that I had not only been holding two books but also doing some complicated math equations. **

**My initial thoughts of college had to be shoved to the part of my mind where nothing could escape. **

**How attractive I found Eriol was certainly not the subject to be aroused at the moment. The last thing I wanted was for my father to perceive that I only attended college for the opportunity to search for a future husband. **

**As a girl I try not to let my conversations, whether it be to family or to friends, revolve around the male species that inhabit this earth. What good can come from the discussion of how Joe Somebody greases his hair or how he fit into his jeans?**

**I had explained to him how the classes are in fact a bit more difficult than I had anticipated. But I had also slipped in the ease at which I was passing Algebra and Trig. **

**I had to make it sound as if I was not a complete idiot. That he was not wasting money and time by investing in my education. The books alone were enough to wipe out my bank account. **

"**It's just that since the semester has started, you seem so busy that I barely see you anymore."**

**This I could feel was going to be one of those touching talks that I will never forget. My dad had a way of sitting and talking. But it was what he said that affected me. During these discussions he would open up to me, telling me things that only another adult was privileged to hear. His heart needed to vent all its emotions somewhere. And I was always there to listen.**

"**Have you noticed that your brother has been acting different lately?"**

**My eyes stayed glued to the television although I had no knowledge of anything that appeared on the screen. **

**The fear of my brother's strange actions that I have missed began to worry me. **

**Was he sick?**

**Was he depressed?**

**Was he mad at me?**

**Is he not coming home? **

**What I ask, what is it that has caused a disturbance in his behavior?**

**As I tried not to think of the worst, more thoughts flooded my mind. Thoughts about my lack of observation. **

**I'm with him almost constantly yet I have failed to see what was so obvious to many. His pale skin, the dark circles around his eyes. The way he began to lose weight. **

**How could I fail as a sister? How could I be so caught up in my own pathetic life following after some guy that will never like me, and neglect to notice the main person in my life deteriorate right in front of my eyes?**

"**Your brother…he's been seeing a girl lately."**

**My father paused as if to rethink the words that he spoke to me. **

"**That's why he has been gone so much lately. And why he has been putting on cologne before he goes out. He met someone."**

**My eyes have somehow discarded the picture box sitting in front of me and was focused on the lines that surrounded my father's mouth.**

**Was that it? **

**Was it only a girl that had 'disturbed' my brother's behavior? **

**I could breathe easily, and sleep soundly knowing that I had not failed at being the sister that I have worked so hard and have been praised on being. **

**A girl, so what. He has had a girlfriend before……**

**I get it. **

**I get all of it. **

**Why my dad has found the need for this heart to heart talk. **

**Why the worry lines appeared around his mouth as he waited to hear my response. **

**I remember what happened before……his very first girlfriend. **

**Thinking this through, I decided to put on the smile that was not ready to come out. There was nothing to smile about. Nothing. **

"**You know your brother is a young man, and he needs to be with young women. We can't expect him to live like this forever."**

**Keeping the smile on my face I gave the reassurance that I know he wanted to hear. I told him how I understand that he was a "man" and that he would have to find a wife one day. And most importantly I told him that I accepted it and was happy for him. That I was growing up and that I was old enough to get all the points that he was making. **

**I in no way lied to my father during that talk. I DO understand that he is a man. I DO understand that like every other guy on this earth he has to date. And most importantly I DO accept it and I DO want to see him happy. **

**I always pictured him coming over to my house when we got older bring his wife and kids over to play with my kids and talk with my husband. **

**More than anyone, I just want to see him happy. And if a girl is going to make my brother happy then I will not be sour about it.**

**But I couldn't stop the memories of his past relationship from resurfacing. I couldn't shake the gut wrenching feeling that I will never have my brother again. **

**And only one thought kept lingering through my mind haunting me, making my jaw clench and my eyes sting with a question that has occurred once before. **

**How come he didn't tell me?**

* * *

**October 13**

**It was raining that day. As I walked through the puddles to get to the other end of campus my mind began to total the amount of tests I had that week. **

**Three. **

**One for Advanced Algebra and Trigonometry, another for Computer Programming, and the third for Digital Electronics. **

**With each step on the ground it felt like the wetness at the end of my jeans were rising until I would no longer be dry. My shoulders were wet and being weighed down by not only the books on my back, but the weariness and tension that knotted my muscles. **

**Equations and commands were whirling in my head as I made my way to the next class. **

**On my venture to class I had come across what seemed like the hugest puddle possible. Not only its depth, but the width was also a formidable opponent. There was no way of getting to my class without turning around or getting soaked. **

**Looking around I saw the muddy tracks that I knew I would fall in. Given no other option I took giant slow steps until I was successfully on the other side. It was at that moment that a strong wind blew almost knocking me back. Thanks to not only the weight of my body, but also the books on my back, I was able to overcome the blow. However, the cold wind combined with the soaked ends of my jeans and the lightly wet socks, made me shiver the rest of the way. **

**When I entered the computer lab I saw a familiar face smirking at me. **

**I had forgotten that the window of the lab was facing the main walkway. It did not once occur to me that he had seen the dilemma and was smirking at my damp hair falling in my face. **

**Sitting a seat away from him, I tried not to let his stares anger me. He so bluntly watched my actions as I took out my notebook and my textbooks. **

**I kept my head forward looking at the screen but not really knowing what was on it. Swallowing hard I moved the mouse taking away the screensaver and started my work. **

**I had more things to worry about than a chocolate haired boy that looks familiar. **

**By the end of the day I had spent a full twelve hours at school. Moving from one class to the other and staying after to do some volunteer work filled my time. **

**It was 8:30 P.M. and the sky was dark. The relentless rain only came down harder during the passing hours. I was stuck behind the glass watching as the rain slammed against the window. **

"**Hello this is Fujitaka Kinomoto. I'm not available at the moment. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you."**

**Dad wasn't home. **

**I searched through my digital phone book trying to find the only other person that I know will be able to pick me up. **

"**What you want squirt?"**

"**Touya is dad with you?"**

"**No, why?"**

"**I tried calling home but no one answered. Can you pick me up?"**

"**Umm…hold on a second."**

**Hold on a second? I'm his little sister. It's dark and raining. Yes. That was all that needed to be said. Say yes Touya! Tell me that you are going to pick me up!**

**It was then that I knew the worst was not gone…it was coming. **

**I could hear him talking to a girl with a thick Southern American accent in the back. She had asked who it was calling him. He told her it was his little sister and if she would mind going on a ride to pick me up. **

**It was at that point that I had lost him. That I had lost the only brother that I would ever have. **

**When he got back on the phone I told him to wait. That I was going to try calling the house one more time before making him come. **

**After hanging up I had no choice but to step out in the darkness surrounded by nothing but the sounds of each drop hitting the pavement.**

**I had not even gotten off of school property when my phone rang again. **

**I yelled hello trying to speak over the rain. **

"**Did dad pick up?"**

"**No. I'm going to walk home."**

"**Wait, I'm coming to get you."**

**This was out of guilt. It had to be. If it was out of love he would have already been on his way. **

"**No, I'm almost home anyway."**

**I lied. I had just started this trip and it would take me half an hour to walk home. **

**While I was walking down a poorly lit street I saw a car pull up on the other side of the road. **

**My heart lightened thinking it was my father coming to get me. But the black painted car told me otherwise. **

"**You need a ride?"**

**The strong masculine voice broke through the echoing rain. Looking in the driver seat I noticed it was that chocolate haired boy that was staring at me earlier. **

"**Sakura! Sakura are you there?"**

**I had forgotten that Touya was on the line as I stared across the street. **

"**Yeah, I have to go…um…I got a ride."**

"**Oh, dad's there?"**

"…**a…I…a…I have to go…he's waiting."**

**I hung up the phone and rang across the street. Everything on me was soaked. My hair, my shoes, my bag. **

**Sitting on the dry interior I couldn't help but feel bad. And the awkwardness of not really knowing this guy was starting to set in. **

**After explaining to him where I lived, he started the car and began to drive. **

**It was silent. Even the radio wasn't playing. I held one hand with the other as I tried to make myself as small as possible. **

**Looking straight out the windshield I tried to think of something I could say. Something that would break this uneasy silence. **

"**It's Kinomoto right?"**

**I looked at him as he kept his eyes on the road. He was calm and relaxed. I had doubted if he had even asked me a question or if it was my own mind speaking to me. **

"**Yeah, but just call me Sakura."**

**He glanced at me giving me that smirk I saw earlier. Blinking my eyes I tried to figure out who he was and how he found out my name. **

**His chocolate bangs hung down in front of his face yet amazingly it did not block his view. Balls of amber occasionally looked at me, watching the quizzical expression on my face. **

"**We used to go to the same high school."**

"**Oh."**

**I put my eyes back on the road in time to direct him onto the right street and to my house. **

**I grabbed my wet bag lying by my feet and was about to unlock the door when I heard him speak. **

"**Li Syaoran, I'm guessing you forgot."**

**He unlocked the doors and I placed my feet right into another puddle. **

"**You always were forgetful."**

**Closing the door on pure reaction, his words didn't hit me until he was at the end of the street. **

**I stood watching the light white mist of rain bounce off of his car until he was out of sight. Ignoring the rain pounding on my shoulders and the puddle I was in, my mind could only focus on a few things. **

**Where are my keys?**

**He knows I'm forgetful?**

**Where's Touya?**

* * *

That night lingered in him longer than he thought it should. If he had known there was no one to pick her up…

Without his knowledge, tears began to fall from his eyes hitting the book in his hands. Closing his brown orbs memories crept to the surface, thoughts that he tried hard to forget. Feelings that he had sworn to banish from his body.

The night that haunted him to this day, the one that took her away from him. It was so similar to what she wrote.

He could have lost her sooner. That could have been the night she……but it wasn't. For some deranged reason she had managed to make it home only for their relationship to fall apart.

In the back of his mind he knew the anger between them would by no means last. He knew that one day they would look back on this rough patch of their lives and admit to their immature behaviors.

He opened his eyes, shaking his head. Getting up, dropping the book on the floor as he ran into the hallway holding his head leaning against the wall.

He couldn't hold it in any longer. He was crying…crying because of the guilt that she put on him…because of the anger he felt towards her…for even feeling anger at a time like this.

"Touya!"

Hearing the footsteps thumping up the stairs, he wiped his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.

His father, somewhat perplexed, looked at his son and then to the open door leading to Sakura's room.

"I…I have to go out son. If she calls…tell her she's late for dinner…but she can still come home."

He turned around heading back down the stairs and out of the house.

After hearing the closure of the door Touya burst.

"If she calls! Damnit if she calls?!"

He punched the wall cracking the plaster as he yelled down the steps.

Falling to the floor leaning his back up against the wall he laid his head on the cold vertical surface.

"She'll never call dad," shoulders shaking from his weeping body, "she'll never call."

* * *

**So, be honest. I would really like to know what you guys think about this. I know I wasn't going to start a new story but, guess I can't help it. Comments are deeply appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Beyond Blood **

**Chapter 2**

* * *

**October 24**

**I tried to ignore the signs. The constant reminder of what did happen, and of what is to come. **

**I've tried filling my mind with mindless thoughts. To think like the normal teenager and just worry about myself, but I can't. **

**How will my father take it…again? How will I? **

**I know that it all went wrong in the beginning. **

**When Touya got his first girlfriend he didn't tell me. Of course his friends knew and dad knew…but I was the last to know. **

**It had me doubting this whole 'I'm the greatest sister in the world' stuff he used to tell me. **

**How did he think I was going to react? Did I come off that selfish? How heartless does he think I am? That I couldn't be happy about his first girlfriend. That I was never good enough to meet her. **

**It all ended in a crash. Literally. **

**His new car was totaled due to the jealousy of an ex-boyfriend. **

**That relationship hit me the hardest. I used to put off homework and friends to spend time with him…but he always forgot that I was waiting. **

**But I never said a word. Not one. **

**I knew if I had said anything, I would risk something more important…our friendship. At the time no one could speak ill of the girl he was seeing.**

**I am still waiting. Still waiting for him to tell me about that girlfriend. Still waiting to hear him say that there is a girl that he's interested in and would like me to meet her. **

**Not once…not once did he think to tell me about her. **

**I used to think we were close. Not anymore. Since then there has always been a faint distance between us. It is not hard to see that my life had stopped revolving around him. Our choice of words towards one another are all wrong. **

**I almost gave up on him then. By the time he had broken up with her I pretended that I didn't care what he did. Of course I would talk to him, but I had no choice. He's my brother and I love him.**

**I have to thank dad of all people for getting us back to normal. Our heart to heart talks were filled with him telling me that it was his first girlfriend. That everyone messes up once. That I had to understand that he was a man. **

**It was dad that had helped reunite us nearly a year ago. Although I hated how he treated not only me but dad too, I knew I still loved him. I knew that I would risk my life for him and he'd do the same for me. **

**But those feelings, the pain and confusion. The self doubt and constant questioning of my own value. They never went away. I never had a heart to heart talk with Touya and I doubt it will ever come. **

**Instead I held it in. I held it all in me trying to push it aside. I look at him now and it's a struggle not to remember what we went through. **

**I have to pretend to forgive…to forget. **

**We look like the old Sakura and Touya that used to hang out. The version of us that used to make fun of each other…laugh and smile. **

**A sense of stupidity fills me as I think of how I once acted to my only sibling. How immature I was, and how selfish I must have been. But I know that this will never happen again. That I would be able to handle this new girlfriend of his with ease. **

**Cause nothing could be that bad again. Nothing.**

* * *

**November 2**

**After rummaging through the pages of my year book I had finally remember who he was. Li Syaoran. **

**We hung out with two totally different groups of people. **

**I was always with the popular girls and the smart kids, and he…he hung out with people that seemed like outcasts. **

**They were in no way popular, but everyone knew their names. Of course it was because everyone always wanted to find out the name of the kid that got arrested in school, or the one that was caught selling drugs. **

**Syaoran was one of the many people that I used to talk to occasionally. I was never one to follow the whole 'stick to your own group' thing. **

**I remember during class, the teacher had made us pair up. I, at the time had no problem finding a partner. **

**But he was sitting in the back of the room with no one to talk to him. It was not that he was truly alone. Among his friends he is very popular, but with others however…he tends to come off like a jerk. **

**That was during our first year in high school. For weeks after we would be constantly spotted together. **

**He was one of the few people that I could say anything to and not regret it. In exchange he opened up to me during many of our hours of talking. **

**He told me about his healthy sexual appetite and how he likes to satisfy it. Through him I learned many of the sexual terms I hear daily. **

**He spoke of his little sister, who is my age, and how he keeps guys away from her. I thought that was cute. I always assumed that would be how my brother would react to any guy I went out with. **

**But I was wrong. **

**It was Syaoran who I went to for advice on my first date. It was him that checked out the guy giving me the ok. **

**With him and his girlfriend and me with my boyfriend, it started to get complicated. **

**The amount of time we spent together surpassed the time we spent with our boy and girlfriends. Rumors started to spread that we were more than friends as our peers began to pressure us into being more. **

**I would be lying if I said the thought of us getting together never popped into my head. It was in the early stages of our friendship when one of his friends asked me if I liked him. **

**The thought has occurred once or twice before but I quickly discarded it. **

**I had given no answer, and the boy had never asked me again. The question itself has reproached me many times after but by that time the answer was always no. **

**If it was a truthful answer…well that's just another question altogether. **

**During the last years of high school we somehow drifted apart. At this time I had already broken up with my first boyfriend and was in no hurry for another. **

**Syaoran on the other hand was still with his girl. He had told me about the constant questions that she used to ask regarding me. She was jealous of our relationship even though we were just friends. **

**So I began to leave him alone. Giving him space enough so that he would not have to suffer through questions day after day. **

**It was then that we had completely stopped talking. **

**Of course, during high school his appearance was less clean. Allowing his facial hair to grow to a point where he had sideburns that flowed seamlessly into his small stubble that then continued into a light mustache. **

**He had entered the school with his hair already dyed blonde before he decided to cut it all off. **

**It is amazing how much it has grown in since then. **

**He remembers me. That time in the lab when he was staring…it was because he remembered me. **

**A deep blush spread over my face as I thought about how I must have looked that night walking in the rain. Hair falling into my eyes, soaked from head to toe. **

**I'm shocked he didn't laugh at me.**

* * *

**November 7**

**Sitting on the wooden steps of our front porch, the cool breeze swung my hair in the air disturbing my view. **

**Reading was not something I would normally do. I was never one that had a passion for books nor can live only through the eyes of characters. However, when I do divulge in the pleasure, it is near impossible to tare it away without severing my hands. **

**It was during the climatic scene where Scout and Jem got attacked on their way home from the play, that I heard the closing of the front door. **

**Shifting to the side, my eyes remained fastened to the words, not giving a second thought to the person taking a seat next to me. **

"**How's the book?"**

**By the deep aged sound of the voice, I knew that dad was sitting next to me.**

**Reluctantly, I placed my fingers between the pages as the provisional book mark. I knew he had no real interest in my book. **

"**It's ok. Getting to the good part."**

**As he nodded his head, it seemed to be like a reaction. I'm guessing that he didn't really hear one word that came out of my mouth. **

**And I knew we were going to have another heart to heart. **

"**I was talking with your brother…and…well you remember that new girlfriend I told you about?"**

**I nodded my head. I may have remembered her, but I was still waiting for Touya to tell me about her. It didn't matter who he was dating until I heard it come out of his mouth. **

"**Well…she has no family here…and…"**

**My book fell.**

**He was going to ask…he is going to ask…**

"**Would you mind if she came over for Thanksgiving?"**

**Do I mind? Do I even have a choice? If I say no Touya would know it was because of me why she couldn't come. He would hate and resent my existence. **

**Do I really have a choice dad? Do I?**

**That night as I hunched over my desk filled with essays to be written and chapters to be read I heard a familiar knock on my door. **

**It is weird how I can distinguish who is standing on the other side of the door by the sound of their knocks. **

**My father has a gentle almost soft knock as if he was afraid that he would hurt the door if he put the slightest amount of pressure. **

**My brother on the other hand had a forceful knock. One that would get the attention of a deaf man. Behind it was his power and authority. **

"**Come in."**

**My dad entered the room slowly as if he were waiting for someone else to give him permission. **

**Turning in my swivel chair I saw him sitting on the edge of my bed, his hands folded together and a relieved smile appeared on his face. **

"**I told Touya that is was ok for him to bring his girlfriend."**

**Not this topic again. I had thought that I would hear the end of this if I said yes. I have said yes, so all should be done. **

"**You should've seen the smile on his face. He was really excited about inviting her over for the holidays."**

**I rolled my eyes. Not at my father but at the words coming out of his mouth, I turned back to my desk hoping that if I pretended to be working that he would leave me alone. **

"**Are you sure you're ok with this? I know how you are with holidays."**

**Tightly squeezing the pencil in my right hand, I looked at nothing but the number two that was written on it. **

**My face seemed to be distorted with an anger and disgust of the thought of having to share a table with that woman. A woman I have never met but had already grown distaste for. **

"**Sakura, it is a good thing you are doing, allowing your brother to be happy."**

**I could hear the squeaky springs of my bed telling me that dad had stood up and was preparing to leave. **

**Quickly turning around I caught him half way out the door. **

"**Christmas," I yelled to him, "Christmas is all I ask for. Give me Christmas with my family and only my family and I promise to welcome that woman into this house."**

**He smiled at me reminding me of the days when I was lower to the ground.**

"**Christmas is yours."**

* * *

**November 11**

**Today was my first day off since I've started college. I have become so accustomed to spending my weekends in the depths of SIN and COS that I have lost touch with most of the outside world. **

**My once large group of friends now does not exceed Tomoyo and Eriol. They are the only ones that I seem to find any time for, and that is because they are in some of my classes. **

**But today I get to be like all young teenage girls. Risa, one of my dearest friends, has the day off from work. Our times for one reason or the other are always in conflict leaving today to be one of the rare opportunities for us to see each other. **

**But that close friendship that we once shared is now being tested. Having been reduced to no more than a text message here and an email there, it seems that we have lost touch. **

**When I saw her there was an unfamiliar awkwardness surrounding us. We spent most of our time sitting by the covered pool talking about old times. **

"**Have you met anyone yet?"**

**I began to blush thinking about how little I have grown. I am just the same way as I was in high school. The only difference was then I used to stay away from the boys, and now they are staying away from me.**

"**No…I don't really have time to be with any guy."**

**Lie. It is true that I don't have any time to myself, but that was not my reason for not having a boyfriend. But I just couldn't say that every guy finds me disgusting. **

"**Oh, ok….I met someone. He's 21."**

**Twenty-one? She's only a year older than me. How is it that she managed to attract a boy of that age?**

**She pulled out her phone showing me pictures of him when he was drunk. I had to admit that he does seem like a fun guy in the center of all those people. **

"**It's not really serious yet. We've been together for two months so far."**

"**Two months? That's a lifetime compared to my relationship. Mines only lasted for two weeks, and I didn't even acknowledge that he was there for the first week. **

**The chirping sound of two birds flying overhead broke our conversation. I sat there with my eyes glued to the sky trying to think of something supportive to say. Something that would show how happy I am for her.**

"**I smoked some pot."**

**Was that her? Was that her voice that just said that? She would never have…would she?**

**I slowly let my eyes float back to her trying to refocus my thoughts. I had to act like what she said was not shocking me. That I was cool enough to deal with this without freaking out and yelling at her for hurting her own health. **

"**Really, did you like it?"**

"**I'm not an addict or anything. I was with some of the guys from high school, you know those guys that Syaoran used to hang out with. They convinced me and…well what's done is done."**

**What's done is done? Is this really her attitude towards this? How could she make it seem like she didn't kill off half of her brain cells with a puff?**

**No, this can't be Risa. She would have never done that. She was just like me in high school. We were the good kids that never got in trouble. None of this was supposed to happen. **

**I looked over at her seeing her look down at the wooden deck beneath our feet. **

**She looked ashamed, like she had wished she never told me that intimate piece of information in the first place. **

**Was it me that made her feel this way? Was it my silence that made her feel inferior to me?**

"**Well, everyone tries it once in their lifetime I guess. No one is perfect."**

**After filling the air with words that were not comforting her as I had intended them to, a thick silence dropped over us.**

**The wind blew tossing leaves from one side of the yard to the other. Her dog Bigfoot ran behind the squirrels, chasing them up trees. **

**And that silence between us was like it has always been. There was no awkwardness, shame, or shock to fill it. **

**We were like we have always been. Best friends, close enough to communicate without words.**

* * *

**November 16**

**Grandma was sitting on the couch when I got home today. Her white hair tied in a bun never looked more eloquent. **

**If I had known she was coming over I would have came home early. **

**She is my mother's mother. I like saying that, mother's mother. But to me she is simply Grandma. **

**We became close, not because we wanted to, but because we were all each other had left. **

**In me she saw my mother's eyes, certainly not her grace, but a need to give and to help people out that apparently my mother once possessed. **

**I have argued for many years that I was in no way like that. I am selfish and am fully aware of it, but it's best to let her think what she wants. **

**To be honest, I have nothing to compare the two. The photos are not enough to give me insight on how my mother was. How she used to think and the way she interacted with people. I have no memories of my mother. I was only three years old when she passed away. **

**But in Grandma I see what my mother would have looked like if she were given the opportunity to grow old. The wisdom she would have gained, the gentle shaking touch that she would have given to comfort me through my problems as an adult. **

**I see what was never there…what would never be. **

**It is our passion to be with mother that brings us closer. **

**Touya and dad manage on the memories that they kept hidden in their minds, but me…I have none. And Grandma…she's beginning to get more forgetful.**

**As I sat down next to grandma she put her arms around me and pulled me close to her as if I was her own child. And on instinct I wrapped my arms around her trying to feel for the mother I lost. **

"**You look so young, just like your mother."**

**I could feel my own heart sink at the mention of mother. We both miss her.**

"**It's a wonder that you are in college now. If I wasn't at your graduation I wouldn't believe it myself."**

**She turned my shoulders towards her so she could get a better look at me. **

"**Do the professors even take you seriously? You look like you should be starting kindergarten instead of college."**

**I smiled and leaned in closer taking in the familiar scent that consumed the air. **

**She never did possess that 'old smell' that lingers among the aged and wise of this Earth. Instead she held an intense vanilla fragrance that could burn the hairs in your nose. **

**But it was this scent that made me want to be around her. There was a uniqueness to it that reflected her personality. A wild woman that cannot be tamed. **

**She had passed that personality trait down to my mother. **

**It amazes me at how timid I can be. **

**I imagine that if my mother was still alive, then I would be just like her. I would carry that crazy spontaneous sprit onto my children. **

**Or maybe…maybe I would end up exactly the same. Maybe I would be the odd one in the family. **

"**How's your father been holding up?"**

**My head was leaning against her shoulder as she held my hands in hers, lining up her finger with mine. Probably remembering past memories. **

"**You didn't talk with daddy yet?"**

**I could feel her hands fold around my hand, as if this moment held more sentiment than one might see. **

"**He always says he's fine. He doesn't like to worry me. But you always tell me the truth. Since little you could never lie to me."**

"**Well…in a way we are fine. We just have some…um…financial obstacles…but everything should be alright. Really grandma, we're ok."**

**She looked down at me searching my eyes for the truth. After determining that my worlds were not false she patted me on the head and began to play with my hands again. **

"**Ok, I'll accept that. But if anything comes up, ANYTHING, I want you to call me and let me know. I'm far from rich, but I'm far from poor too!"**

**My heart felt light from her words. **

"**And how is that brother of yours doing? Is he still trying to be a boxer? Honestly if your mother was still alive…"**

"**He's ok I guess. I haven't seen him much since he started dating some girl."**

**I could feel her hold on me tighten. Her hands felt like they were shaking more than usual. **

"**Grandma!"**

**Reluctantly moving from her side I got up staring her in the face. **

"**Grandma! Grandma are you ok?"**

**Her eyes went through me staring at an unknown object. **

**Time had stopped freezing her in that position. **

**Tears started to fall from my eyes. There was a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. My hands began to shake as I touched her stiff body. **

"**GRANDMA!"**

**My scream pulled my dad from the kitchen as he came over trying to pull me away. **

"**No! Let me go! GRANDMA!"**

**I flung onto her body grabbing her hands. **

"**Grandma wake up!"**

**Salty water stained her clothes.**

"**Look grandma look," I held up her limp hand trying to touch her fingers with mine, trying to fold our hands together like we always do, "I'm right here…your hands in mine grandma…yours in mine…"**

**Blinking my eyes trying to surpass the blurry vision I saw her, I think I saw her, no, I know I saw her look at me. Not through me but at me. **

**Then I felt her hand tighten around mines for one last time before her head tilted to the side.**

* * *

**November 21**

**I saw her slowly being lowered into the ground. **

**I heard the cries of the people around me. **

**But I just stood there watching in envy. **

**Why does she get to go see my mom? Why is it that she gets to go to heaven and be with her? **

**It is not that I wish to die. **

**My life is more than satisfying. I'm doing well in school, I have friends I have my brother and my dad still here to support me. **

**I felt Tomoyo's cold hands on my arm pulling me away. **

**The funeral was over and people were beginning to scatter. My dad was leaning onto my brother. And my brother was being supported by some woman with short black hair. **

**Tomoyo and Eriol were nice enough to come and pay respects to a person they never met. **

"**Sakura I think you should head home now. Your father and brother are getting ready to leave."**

**I nodded at her allowing her to lug my motionless body back to the car. **

**I felt nothing…not a thing. **

**Shouldn't I be crying? Shouldn't I be sitting up thinking about every moment we once shared? I should be tossing and turning in my sleep. I should be soaked from days of endless crying. Distraught, filled with anguish, literally going crazy from losing the only person that could come close to being a mother figure to me. **

**Instead I slid under my covers and hugged my pillow as I drifted into a light slumber.**

* * *

Rereading that entry over again, Touya could feel the soft wrinkled skin of his grandmother. That same vanilla scent that was described engulfed his head making him dizzy.

He knew that she had died in the house but…he did not know it was in her hands. That Sakura was the one with her at the time. That she was holding onto her as she passed from this world to the next.

An experience like that could ruin someone. It could break a person down knowing that there was nothing they could do to save a life. All she could have done was escort her to another realm.

Memories of the days that followed resurfaced Touya's mind. He remembered how she would not cry, how she would stare at her hands for hours when she thought no one was watching.

Her actions were not like most people who have escorted a loved one to death. Her mind was filled with exams and essays.

At one point he envied her for being able to live life so effortlessly. To appear as if that death was of some stranger that they never met.

He felt awkward reading about that day. That was a part of herself that she hid, and now he knew.

But he had to look pass the invasion of privacy, look pass the robbery of thoughts.

The feelings from those entries, from every entry he read. They were all hidden from him, from his father, from everyone.

He had always admired her free spirit, her ability to do what she wanted and not care what other people thought.

Sitting down on the bed he looked at the open book in his hands concluding that he was no longer reading mere journal entries but learning about his sister. There was a part of her that no one knew, a part that she repressed from her expressions and gestures.

"Why?"

With each turn of the page his mission for continuing changed.

The emotions displayed on each leaf moved him. He was now Sakura, living her daily life, defeating her daily tribulations. All past reasons for turning the page had vanished. Her journal had become a work of fiction made only for the purpose that someday someone would read it.

But he knew better. He knew that every word on the page was real. That every event described was truthful. That she lived a life, felt sentiments, and saw things that he was blind to.

"I thought we were close."

A feeling of abandonment began to rise in him. A strong sense of mistrust and betrayal filled his heart as he second guessed the little girl he thought he knew. For 18 years he has lived with a stranger, a complete stranger.

Turning the page, ready to continue, he could not help but be afraid of what thoughts might be shared with him. He feared her mind like one would a killer's.

Coming to the realization that there was more than age that separated them he kept repeating the same five words hoping that he could convince himself into a happier state of mind.

"I thought we were close."

* * *

**Hmmm….so I haven't updated in the longest time. So this chapter is shorter. It's not on purpose though. If I had the time I would have put more into this, but this is a hard story to understand if I don't update it. From the reviews I noticed that the plot isn't clear. And I am so happy that so many of you walked away from this with questions in your heads. Everything will be clear so please just give it time. **

**Please tell me if this story is dull or just sounds wrong. It's very important to me that I write good stories so if you guys have any comments don't hesitate to speak your mind.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Beyond Blood **

**Chapter Three**

* * *

**November 23**

**My hair carelessly floated through the wind as I stood there staring at the newly dug ground. **

**The wind took the cherry blossoms that I sprinkled by her stone. **

**I'm still waiting for those tears to come. I figured standing by her grave everyday would help. If I can't cry from sorrow then surly I can from guilt. **

"**You know it's not wise for a lady to be standing in a cemetery alone so early in the morning."**

**Whipping my head to the side I saw him walking towards me. The wind was blowing his bangs back allowing me full access to his eyes. **

**He looked like a superhero the way his long coat flew behind him like a cape. **

"**Li? What are you doing here?"**

**Before answering me he kneeled down by the grave kissing his fingers then touching them to the stone. **

**I could have sworn I heard him whisper "good-bye" before straightening up.**

**His trademark smirk was still visible as he came closer to me staring into my eyes. **

**On instinct I stepped back feeling uncomfortable by the closeness. **

**Letting out a chuckle he also stepped back. **

"**You haven't changed much."**

**He stood there by my side watching the flowers on the ground fly every which way. **

**I could feel his arm wrap around my shoulders as he leaned on me. **

"**What are you doing out here so early anyway? Little girls should be in their beds dreaming about prince charming."**

**Pulling myself away I began to walk closer to the tombstone allowing my hands to glide over the smooth glossy rock. **

"**You should head back home. You don't know what kind of weirdos are out at this hour of the morning."**

**Snapping my head around confronting his amber eyes, I felt a boiling rage flow through me. The nails on my fingers were digging into my skin as I clenched my fists tighter. **

"**SHUT UP!"**

**My body began to shake as my knees weakened and soon I was on the ground. Feeling the wet drops slide down my face I turned my back towards him. **

"**Why did you leave…why?" **

**A waterfall of tears poured out of me as I tried to steady my shaking body. **

"**Sakura…"**

**His voice carried a wave of concern when he said my name. And his gentle touch on my crouching figure could barely be felt through the barrier of cloth on my back. **

"**Everything will be alright. She's in a better place now…with your mother."**

**I could feel the rise and fall of my chest rock my structure. Closing my eyes I could no longer stand to see the dirt, to see her name engraved in the smooth stone. **

**He had brought back a fact that I was trying so desperately to deny. A thought that has kept me occupied in exams and essays. **

"**NO! NO!"**

**Taking hands full of dirt and tossing them aside, I had begun to dig at the peaceful grave in front of me. **

"**Sakura! Sakura stop!"**

**Syaoran pulled me away dragging me to my feet. I tried to fight his strength, to dig that old woman from that pleasant hole, but his arms were securely wrapped around my waist. **

"**Let me go! Let me go!"**

**Beating on his chest brought no relief to my anger, to my sorrow. I was straddling the line between madness and insanity. **

"**Sakura, what the fuck is wrong with you?"**

**Holding me by the shoulders he brought on the strong controlling side of him that I've longed to see. **

**Hearing his stern voice halted my hands. My eyes were aimlessly staring at nothing and my mind was cluttered with so many thoughts that I couldn't think. **

**His hold on me grew tighter as I found myself clutching onto his soaked shirt. Unconsciously I was still crying silent tears.**

**Time must have sped up because the next thing I knew, I was standing in front of my house still holding onto Syaoran. **

**His normally rough hands felt delicate as they rubbed my back trying to console me. **

**I didn't know how much I missed his presence until now. Drowning in his musky scent brought me back to the days in high school when I got to see him everyday. When I used to take that friendship for granted thinking that we would never part. **

"**As much as I would like to stand here with you all day, I have to go to work."**

**The vibration of his voice emerged from his chest and rang through my body. My hands disobeyed my mind as I let go of his shirt slowly stepping back. **

**I couldn't look at his eyes, not after he has seen me like this. I could probably never see him again. **

"**Thanks." **

**Using my hair to cover my face I ran into my house. **

**Stomping my feet up the steps I ran to my room before anyone could see me, before anyone could wake up and catch me in tears. **

**Throwing my body onto the bed, I began to pour my eyes out as I muffled my cries with a mouth full of pillow. **

**Punching and body slamming my pillow caused the anger from earlier to spring back. For that moment, the cushion that supported my head for so many nights was now my Grandma. It was the only way I could let out this stifling anger that paralyzed my emotions. It was because of this anger that I had refused to cry. And it was because of this anger that I soaked my pillow. **

**I was mad at her for leaving me behind like mom did. I was mad at her for being the one to go to heaven and meeting mom. But I cried out of guilt. I felt guilty that I could be this selfish at a time like this. I felt guilt for not crying and guilt for even feeling anger in the first place. **

**I could feel my body start to relax. My clenched teeth gave me a headache making me rest my head on the pillow I once called Grandma. **

**The damp cushion gave off a cold feeling cooling my hot tempered soul. The contrast of temperature on my cheek sent Goosebumps through my body making me curl up on my bed. **

**And slowly all emotions drained out of me like a drug now taking into affect. **

**Yes, a wonderful drug. **

**The smell of turkey filled my room disturbing my slumber. **

**It was Thanksgiving. It was the day that I was going to meet my brother's girlfriend. It was the day I dreaded. **

**I had to admit that a part of me was excited. I would finally get to meet the girl that my brother likes. Unlike most relatives, I did not plan to scrutinize her every move waiting for a fault. Instead, I wanted to observe her, learn her ways. Understand what it is about her that made my brother acknowledge her. **

**But I know I would never be that girl that guys notice. At lest not on purpose. Maybe if they needed help with their homework, then they would think of me. And being the idiot I am I still help them. **

**I must have sucker written on my forehead. **

"**Oh, Touya the place smells delicious."**

**I heard her. **

**Her voice was so…feminine. The language barrier made her sound a bit awkward, but anyone with sense could still understand what she was saying. **

"**Dinner is almost ready. Touya could you go upstairs to get your sister? And if that girl is still sleeping wake her up. She is not going to sleep through Thanksgiving."**

**Oh no. Touya is going to see my teary face if he comes in here. **

**I ran to the door ready to turn the knob, but I can hear his footsteps ascending the stairs. **

**How am I going to get to the bathroom?**

**With no other choice I spat in my hand rubbing my face trying to remove the visible streaks. At least they feel visible. **

**The knock. His powerful knock startled me as I scrambled for the bed throwing the covers over me. **

**The door creaked open just wide enough for him to stick his head in. **

"**Squirt. Hey Squirt! It's Thanksgiving. Get your lazy butt up and eat some food."**

**I laid in silence for a few minutes mentally preparing myself for what I had to do. **

**I was going to have to be the funny, polite, charming, smart, loving sister that he described to her. **

**And most importantly not dislike her in anyway. If she yelled at me I would have to pretend I didn't hear it. If she spat at me I would have to just wipe it way, along with my dignity. If she hit me, all I could do was turn the other cheek. Because when my brother is 'in love' that girl can do no wrong, and I can do no right.**

* * *

**November 24, 3:42AM**

**Normally I do not write the time in, but I felt that it was necessary. **

**Of all the places to be in the middle of the night, here I am. Sitting on the swing under the streetlight writing in my book. **

**Thanksgiving ended hours ago. But everything kept on replaying in my head. Every hug, every joke, every laugh and smile. **

**And not one of those actions was directed to me. **

**Crystal her name was. **

**She had short dark hair that stopped just above her shoulders. Her eyes were green, well they appeared that way. In actuality, she had brown eyes covered by her green contacts. She was nearsighted. **

**The cool autumn breeze chilled my skin. I'm guessing that I should have walked out of the house in more than my pajamas. **

**There is something about a peaceful night that clears my head. I was never the girl that admired the sunset or wake up to watch the sun breaking into the night sky. **

**The moon was the only light I ever wanted. And the darkness of the night sky sent a shiver, a fantastic rejuvenating shiver through my body. **

**I looked up at the stars sprinkled in the sky. The sky. It does not feel right using the same word both in the day and at night. Night, dark, moon, each word brought a dark sensation, a feeling that the word sky could never give. Sky belongs with the day, with the dawn, with the sun. **

"_**You know it's not wise for a lady to be standing in a cemetery alone so early in the morning."**_

**His words rang through my head. I could just picture him standing behind me watching me, ready to tell me to go home. **

**I wonder what he thinks of me now. He must think that I am some pathetic crybaby. Or maybe that I am insane for digging at my grandmother's grave. Either way he will never talk o me again, I guarantee it.**

* * *

**November 26**

"**So how did the dinner go?"**

**Tomoyo was the only one I told about Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't tell her the whole story though. Only the fact that I was meeting my brother's girlfriend for the first time. **

**But she didn't know the history behind my brother, and his behavior when he is 'in love.'**

"…**a…yeah, everything went smoothly I guess. There wasn't any fights which is always good. She seemed…nice…."**

**If possible I thought I heard Tomoyo rolling her eyes at me over the phone. She knew, without me telling her that there was more to the story. There was always more. Not once in my life have I ever told anyone an entire story. I always left out the most important part of each tale, the more personal part. **

"**Anyway, I'm taking Eriol out for some comfort food and a movie, you wanna come with?"**

"**Comfort food? Why would he need comfort food?"**

"**Oh, he just broke up with his girlfriend. They've been going out for a couple of years so…he's been a little depressed lately. Anyway, you wanna come?"**

**Yes, say yes. This could be your opportunity. I could be the rebound girl. Wait, do I want to be the rebound girl? Do I really think of myself so low that I am looking forward to being the rebound girl?**

"**Um…actually, I have a lot of work to start for next week. The term is almost up and I don't want to be rushing at the last minute."**

"**Okie, talk to ya later."**

**I dropped my cell phone on my bed not believing what I just did. Did I really pass up an opportunity to be with Eriol? This could be my time to get to know him better. Maybe he would figure out he likes me. Or maybe he would notice how boring I really am. **

**After hanging up the phone, I wandered through my room rummaging in shoe boxes digging up pictures I haven't seen in years. **

**My childhood seemed to have passed in seconds instead of years. **

**I even found an old picture that Li and I took back when we used to be buds. **

**I found myself staring at it a bit too long so I stuffed it back in the box. **

**There was another picture of my brother and I standing by a rollercoaster. **

**I remember that trip. I was young and short for my age, so by the time I did reach the height to get on any rides I felt upstaged by all the taller, younger kids. **

**But my brother was there with me. We stood in line for what seemed like all day. **

**Every time we moved up in the line he would ask me 'are you sure you want to go on?' And every time I would say yes….well except when we were next. To make me feel better he held onto me. **

**Looking back, he always did things to make me feel better. Little meaningless things like giving me his pillow when I already had three or sitting through all the little kid shows I used to love. **

**My eyes began to burn. I could feel the water rushing to my eyes. I looked around making sure no one would see me cry. Crying is for the weak. **

**I stared at that picture longer. Trying to relive the past, longing for a different future. **

**He's changing everyday. Becoming less like the brother I knew and more like a stranger. **

**I love him….he's my brother. But I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm afraid he'll do it all over again. **

**I stuffed the pictures back in the box before I ruined them with my tears. I ran to that pillow he gave me years ago. That pillow that has always managed to comfort me at times like this. **

**And I came to a conclusion that he wouldn't do it to me again. Not my brother, he loves me. I know that he would never push me aside for another girl. He said he wouldn't. **

**It was a false conclusion, but at least it stopped the tears……for now.**

* * *

Touya turned the page only to find drawings.

Pictures of anime character, dragons, snakes, half lion half ram creatures were replacing her words.

And in a way those drawings spoke more to him than all of her words combined.

Touya used to draw, he even went to college for it. But something happened along the way. He realized that there was more to art than putting pencil to paper.

He remembered when his little sister used to follow him around with her own sketch book. She admired him. At one point she had become a miniature version of her brother. She dressed like him, spoke like him, even thought like him.

She made him feel important, needed. His life was never much, but with her in it he was inspired to set an example for her. To be the person that she admired.

"What happened to us?"

It was a question that he repeated in his mind almost daily.

To him it felt like she had turned against him in a matter of seconds.

"She was the one that changed, not me."

That burning sensation that Sakura described began to sink in. He clenched his teeth trying to hold back the tears.

He was a man…men didn't cry…crying is for the weak.

Gripping onto the book firmly, squeezing his finger that was holding the place in the book where he left off. He replaced that emotional pain with a physical one. Figuring that if he must cry, let it be from an excruciating pain.

" I loved her…I always loved her"

* * *

**Ok, so how was it? I know it has been a very long time since I last updated and this short chapter isn't much, but I felt it was better than nothing. Personally, this story is my favorite so far. I put more feeling into it so I hope you guys enjoy reading it even if you don't quite understand where it's heading. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Beyond Blood**

**Chapter Four**

* * *

**December 2**

**December came so quickly. One day it was September and I was just getting to know my professors, and now I'll be taking finals in a few weeks. **

**My life is moving so fast…too fast. Living through books alone has sped up time. I feel disgusted with myself at how I have been living my life. **

**I don't see Touya anymore…but he's never around. I don't get to talk to my dad as much…go to movies with him, make him laugh. I can't do anything to ease his worries. **

**Last night I was up studying for an early exam. **

**All this late night studying has got me eating in the middle of the night. **

**As I was walking down the hall I saw my father's door cracked open. There was light shinning into the hallway. **

**I tried to step as lightly as possible as I sneaked my way to his room. **

**My dad was never up at this time of night. He's always asleep by ten, eleven the latest. **

**As I looked through the separation I saw my father, sitting to his desk holding his head in his hands. **

**In front of him was a small stack of bills that he's been tossing aside for months. **

**I felt my breath quicken, my eyes started to water. I wanted to squeeze something, hurt something, break anything. **

**I wanted to bear the burden of bills. I wanted to erase all his worries and watch him live happily instead of like this. **

**He pulled out his checkbook. Opening letter after letter writing checks for money we don't have. **

**I felt my stomach aching at the pitiful scene I had to witness. Or…maybe it was because I was still hungry…either way I had to get out of there. I couldn't stand by and watch my father suffer. So I did the only thing I could. **

**I walked away.**

* * *

**December 5**

**I ran into some old friends from high school. **

**All guys….no girls. **

**Girls never did like me much. It's not like I was the type to flirt with every guy and steal people's boyfriends. **

**But I also wasn't the kind of girl that wore much makeup besides some lip gloss. And when I did speak to girls it would be about education or sports…nothing they cared for. **

**I remember in junior high I used to hang out with all the popular girls, but wasn't really friends with any of them. **

**It wasn't until high school that I got a real friend. He was the person that I could talk to about anything. The good stuff, the bad, even the embarrassing things. **

**Syaoran. **

**He used to be my every thought. I would wear green because it was his favorite color. I used scented shampoo and perfume to smell nice for him. I used to paint my nails, put on a light layer of makeup, and walk by his class just to see what he looked like when he was learning. **

**I liked him. But I could never tell him. He was the first person that I felt comfortable around. I told him everything a person could tell another living being. **

**Li Syaoran, I never thought I would see him again. **

**Those chestnut eyes, that strong chin and his muscular body. **

**A quick heartbeat knocked me out of my dreamy state. It felt like my heart pounded up against my ribcage almost shattering bones. **

**I couldn't stop my heavy breaths. It was scary, my heart was scary.**

* * *

**December 10**

**I can't handle this. Who decided to give us a week of tests? Next week I'm going to be screwed. There is no way that I can pass every class. I forgot half of what they taught me. Unless it's electronics I don't have a chance of passing. **

**I was walking towards the college library when all those thoughts rushed to my head. **

**As I opened the door I felt the cold metal through the cloth gloves on my hands. **

**I noticed that when I walk through the library, I make an effort to keep my head held high. It is not because I think I am better than anyone or that it comes naturally. I just don't want to give off the lacking self-confidence vibe. I don't want anyone thinking that I feel inferior to them. **

**I walked through the library and up the stairs to a more quiet part of the building. I found a corner where no one can see me and rested my stuff on the floor. **

**In front of me were the only books that mattered to me. Digital Logic, Circuit Design, Microprocessors, Introduction to Electrical Engineering. **

**Just looking at them made my heart flutter. **

**I took off my glove and allowed my head to glide over the texture of each book. **

**The smell of old leather filled the atmosphere as I closed my eyes feeling the lettering. **

**I could imagine myself, years from now, working for an important company. The boss enters my office telling me to create a design for our clients. I nod a quick yes to him and start to get to work. **

**My dream job. **

"**I think you're enjoying those books a little too much."**

**My eyes popped open and I instantly pulled my hand from the shelf. **

**He came closer picking up the book that I had my hand on. **

"**Operational Amplifiers."**

**He looked at me with those amber eyes of his and cocked a little smile. **

"**Now I know what turns you on."**

**I blinked my eyes trying not to look directly at him as I grabbed the book and went to my corner. **

**I sat down opening the book, trying to ignore him, but I couldn't concentrate. He was standing there looking at me and smiling like I was some kind of joke. His expression only showed amusement. **

**Sticking my head in the book I desperately tried not to notice him as he came closer. **

**Please don't let him sit next to me, please don't let him…**

**My silent pleas didn't work. He sat so close to me that I could smell the musky scent of his cologne. **

**We sat in silence for what seemed like hours. **

**His presence once calm and relaxing, now felt judgmental and awkward. **

"**You've changed a lot."**

**I made no sound or attempt to speak. **

**He didn't know me. He never knew me. No one ever knew me. I felt like I've been alone all my life. **

**He gave up. **

**He never was one known for his patience. **

**Getting up he took one last look at me before he began to walk away. **

**Looking at him leaving brought back lost memories. Feelings that I would have preferred I never felt. **

**He reminded me so much of my brother. Showing how easy it was to walk away from me. **

"**I thought you said I haven't changed much."**

**He turned around leaning on the bookcase as he slid into his famous smirk. **

"**You remember what I said?"**

**I turned away from him. It's not like I go home thinking about every conversation that we ever had. I just happened to remember that one thing. **

"**I'm…I'm not different"**

**His smirk disappeared and his expression became a bit more serious than I'm used to. **

**Walking back in my direction he leaned in taking a closer, deeper look at me.**

"**Maybe not……but your eyes tell me otherwise."**

* * *

**December 12**

**My mind is driving me mad. **

**All I can think about is the past. A past I rather forget. **

**He can be such a jerk sometimes. **

**I went Christmas shopping with my brother earlier today. **

**I figured that since he was the only one in the house that had a job we would go through every store looking for the right gift to give dad. **

**But instead we went in and out of one store after another looking only for the perfect gift to give Crystal. **

**Hours of "Do you think she would like this?" and, "Is this good enough for a girl like Crystal?" were slowly devouring my soul. **

**He went into a store, Victoria's Secret.**

**I waited outside. This day was already uncomfortable enough. **

**He did this last year too. That was when he had his very first girlfriend. She meant the world to him, and my father and I didn't exist. **

**I was so happy about it too. I was a fool. **

**Here I was thinking that it's about time he went out with someone. Touya was always too picky when it came to girls. But then again, he's got the attitude and looks that girls tend to like. So if he rejected one girl that just meant there was room for one more. **

**Me, I couldn't get a date even if I paid for it. **

**There was that guy in high school that I went out with. Even then I couldn't understand why he would like me. **

**After him there was never anyone else. Not that I reject anyone, I just became unattractive to every guy. No one ever shows interest in me unless they needed help with their homework. **

**I have come to the conclusion that no one in this world wants me. My father lied to me when he said I had beauty, brains, and a great personality. **

**Touya came out of the store holding a bag in one hand and a cell phone in the other. **

"**Ready to go squirt?"**

**He closed his phone shut giving me his full attention. **

"**I have to go see Crystal. Are we done here?"**

**Are we done here? This whole damn day was about her. And now you want me to just let you go see her. Just push me aside like I'm nothing. Am I really nothing to you Touya?**

**Maybe I should have spoken my thoughts instead of nodding and following him to the car. Maybe what I did was right, some things should be left unsaid.**

* * *

**December 13**

**I kept my mind on the only thing that could distract me, my school work. **

**Christmas, a holiday I used to love has become a holiday I dread. Everything on television reminds me of how families are supposed to come together during Christmas. How it's the time for forgiveness and unity. Everyone is supposed to be a better person around Christmas right? **

**Right?**

**Then what is wrong with me? Why can't I become a better person? Why am I unable to be happy?**

**I was sitting in the computer lab trying to do some work. **

**It's strange when these thoughts hit me, when the feeling of abandonment starts to sink in. **

**I ran to the ladies room leaving all my books and papers behind. **

**I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop the thoughts. **

**Relieved to find no one else in the bathroom I turned on the water and began crying. **

**Memories of past Christmases haunted my mind. All I could think of were the many years that I spent with my brother and father by my side. The years when I knew family was important. **

**Those years, what happened to them? **

**My memories were beginning to fade, and all that was sticking was the constant pain of today.**

**Everything bad outweighed the good. **

**How am I supposed to reminisce about good times when I haven't felt happiness for close to a year?**

**My father made me forgive the first time. He made me push aside my feelings, my pain. **

_**Everyone makes mistakes.**_

**Those were his words. Those are always the words when something goes wrong. **

_**Give him a second chance.**_

"**A second chance, A SECOND CHANCE!"**

**Hands clutching onto the counter, teary eyes staring back at me. My distraught face and messed up hair were the only other things I could recognize in the mirror. **

**I heard a flushing sound. **

**I froze. I couldn't let anyone see me in this state. I thought the room was empty. I thought I was alone. **

**Wiping my eyes I ran out of the bathroom bumping into some guy coming out of the men's room. **

**I said a quick excuse me and kept running. **

**I was always running.**

* * *

**December 17**

**I got a call from Eriol. **

**I don't know how he did it but somehow I ended up at the mall. Apparently Tomoyo was busy and I was the only other girl he knew that could help him. **

"**Ok, what do you think about this one?"**

**He held up a golden necklace with a heart shaped diamond hanging from it. **

**I nodded a quick yes before turning away. **

**Eriol dragged me out of my house to help him pick out a present for his girlfriend. Well ex-girlfriend. I guess this present was supposed to help reunite them. **

"**I know. I'll get her something to ware. All women love clothes."**

**I wandered a couple of feet away as he paid for the necklace. **

**How come there is no guy out there trying to buy my love? **

**A shiver went through me as that feeling of abandonment flowed through my veins. I felt ugly, grotesque, no guy wants to come near me. All these couples walking hand in hand through the mall were nothing but a reminder that I was alone. **

**The gentle tap on my shoulder knocked me from my lonesome thoughts.**

**He didn't say anything but his gentle blue eyes had a look of sorrow in them. They looked at me with pity. **

**His pity bothered me or should I say my pride? **

**His arm hugging onto my shoulders somehow eased the pain of being alone. I knew I was not his girl, but for that small moment I felt wanted. His arm gave me a warm fuzzy feeling that I had been longing for. I fear at that point that I would have allowed anyone to touch me or hold me close to them. **

**Something within me was deteriorating. That feeling of freedom and independence that being single once gave me was vanishing. A part of me was incomplete, searching attention from any male that would take notice. **

**That simple walk to the next store, although it was so brisk, will last forever in my mind. **

**One caring gesture…that's all I asked for these days.**

* * *

**December 20**

**Tomorrow was my last final. Microprocessors were going to kick my butt. There was no way I could pass. I can't remember anything. Loops? Subroutines? How the hell do I know what's on top of the stack?**

**All day I've been locked in my room studying the material and not once did anything inside my head click. **

**My father would come up every couple of hours bring me food. I had a nasty habit of overeating or not eating at all when I was studying. **

**I sat on my carpeted floor surrounded by books and papers when I heard a knocking at my door. **

**It was a soft knock…the hard ones barely come nowadays. **

"**Come in!"  
**

**I was excited to see my father. Only my dad could interrupt me in the middle of me cramming for a test without me getting angry. He has always been able to bring laughter and a light fatuous feeling to any room. **

"**Honey it's getting late. Maybe you should get some sleep."**

**Sleep? How could I get some sleep when I don't understand anything that's going to be on the test? Sometimes I knew he meant well but I know myself. And right now I'm still nowhere smart enough to pass my final. **

"**Yeah maybe in a little bit."**

**That was my answer. That was always my answer when I planned on staying up all night. I couldn't tell my father that I was going to stay up until I understood everything because I knew for each hour I was awake…he would be up too. **

"**Ok, but don't stay up too long."**

**He climbed over my piles of books to give me a kiss goodnight. **

**As he was leaving something stirred inside me. My heart began to pound rapidly. I felt like I had abruptly stopped from running a race. It was that feeling…I've had that feeling before. **

**He closed the door without looking back. **

**My heart was still pounding…**

**It was beating too fast….too fast.**

* * *

**December 21**

**I swallowed the hard lump in my throat as I exited the room. All I had was a pencil in my hand. Even though the test was over and I had passed it in, I still couldn't stop thinking about it. **

**Did I do the math right? I should have worked on my hexadecimal some more. If I'm off by one number, one letter, then the whole thing is wrong. **

**I failed. I'm a failure at this…I'm a failure at life. Why am I even in school to begin with?**

**My head stayed bowed to the ground as my worries occupied me. Not to mention that I'm incredibly hungry…I knew I shouldn't have skipped breakfast. **

**In the mist of my thoughts I had forgot to watch where I was going. And just my luck I was heading towards a door that swung both ways. **

"**I am so sorry. I didn't see you. I've….my mind has been clouded…you know finals and everything…are you ok? Can I get you anything? Are you alright?"**

"**Yes…I'm fine."**

**Even if I didn't get hit in the head with a door, this guy said way too much in such a short time. **

**A new pain was in me…a physical pain…one I can handle. **

**Apparently I must have been on the floor because the next thing I heard was this guy asking if I needed help standing.**

"**I'm fine…really you go."**

**I felt an arm slither around me as I was forced to my feet. **

"**No, really I'm ok, leave me lone!"**

**I struggled to get free once I was standing again. And defiantly looked my assaulter in the face. **

**And there he was amber eyes and all. **

"**Can you help her I have to go to class?"**

**A tall skinny kid signaled to Syaoran before walking off. I guess he was the one that threw the door in my face. **

**The throbbing pain reoccurred. Holding my head in my hands was not enough. **

"**Let me take a look at that."**

**I was backed up against a wall his rough hand holding my head up. **

"**He got you good."**

**His musky scent engulfed me. The pain was subsiding and my half open eyes watched as he scrutinized my forehead. **

"**Does it hurt?"**

"**I just got hit by a door. What do you think?"**

**I pushed him aside as I unsteadily walked away. **

"**Yup, you're normal."**

**I felt his hands grab onto my waist. **

**My body stiffened. He was holding me. **

"**I'm fine, get off of me."**

**Nothing I said made a difference. He escorted me to his car, helping me into the passenger seat.**

**He started the car and drove. **

**He didn't take me home. Instead he drove around town not bothering to say a word. **

**The smooth car ride, the heavenly silence, and lack of sleep from the previous night caused my eyes to close.**

* * *

**December 25**

**Why can't I stop crying? I should have known this was going to happen. Why did I ever have faith in him? Why?**

"**Sakura! I'm…I'm sorry. Can you open the door?"**

**I hate him! **

**I hate his face, I hate his voice, I hate that he is my brother. **

**Everything is wet, my pillow, my shirt. **

**That strong forceful knock was at my door. For months I haven't heard it…I've longed for it…but now…now when I wish he would just go away…there was his knock.**

**I could hear my father's voice in the hall. **

"**Just give her some time. She needs to calm down."**

**My body was shaking and now more than ever I wish Grandma was here holding me, placing my hand against hers. **

"**Sakura, open the door!"**

**Covering my ears didn't help. I could still hear him. I don't want to hear him. **

"**Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by."**

**I kept saying those lyrics. Those stupid lyrics, how could Nat King Cole be so stupid? How do you smile when your heart is broken? How?**

**I tried reminiscing. I thought of the last time I was happy. **

**However, more tears flowed when I realized I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember the last time I was happy!**

**I couldn't……I couldn't.**

"**If you smile through your tears and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow…"**

"**Sakura…I'm sorry. Open the door! Sakura! Open the door!"**

"**You'll see the sun come shinning through if you just smile."**

"**Sakura please……just open the door."**

* * *

**December 27**

**I hurriedly walked along side the strangers of this town. The only difference is…they had a destination. **

**Yesterday was hell. **

**I spent the day locked up in my room continuously hanging up the phone. **

**He kept calling. And hearing his voice only angered me more.**

**It could have all ended if I turned off the phone. **

**A piece of me despised his voice, hated it, and never wanted to hear it again.**

**But the other half of me liked it. I liked the pleading tone that was heard. He was worried, he cared; he was my brother again. He wanted to be my brother again. **

**And I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him, show him the pain that he has given me. And hanging up that phone was the only way I knew how. **

**Maybe now he'll understand. He'll know what it's like to be shut out of my life, to be pushed away by someone you love. **

**I hoped he felt that pain…I hope he felt my pain….**

**I sat down on a bench by a bus station. The cold weather allowed me to see my breath. **

**So many people around me, some walking fast, some slow. Men, women, children, even dogs, all of them walking right in front of me…none of them noticed my tears.**

**I didn't know how long I sat there. The only indication I had was the sky. When I sat down the sky was lit, and when I saw the familiar black car, it was dark. **

"**Sakura? You need a ride?"**

**My tired eyes looked up at him…**

"**Syaoran…just leave."**

**I wasn't in the mood to talk. How do I explain why I was sitting at a bus stop for hours in the cold? That I didn't know what I was waiting for…why I was there, how do I explain that?**

**His car was pulled over to the sidewalk, the passenger window down. **

"**Get in, I'll give you a ride."**

"**Leave."**

**I bowed my head to the ground. I didn't want him to see my tear stained cheeks. I didn't want him to see me like this. Not Syaoran, anyone but him.**

"**Stop being stubborn. It's too late for you to be sitting on some bench. Let me take you home."**

"**I don't need you to save me Li! This is not a fairytale and you are not prince charming. I don't need you to look after me. I don't need anyone ok. I DON'T NEED ANYONE!"**

**For once the people took notice. Some stopped to look at the insane girl yelling at a car, others just kept walking. **

"**Sakura?"**

**My breath got caught in my throat. My heart skipped a beat. My face felt hot and my eyes threatened to let the salty waters flow. **

**That voice…his voice. **

"**Sakura!"**

**I looked to my left making eye contact with the one man I didn't want to see. The one person I hated. **

**Touya was standing there looking at me and Crystal was besides him. **

**Immediately I went to the black car in front of me opening the door. **

**Anywhere was better than this. Anybody was better than him.**

* * *

That was the first time Touya had ever seen her run from him. But it wasn't the last.

Watching her enter that black car, the car he would later discover belonged to Syaoran Li.

A piece of him died that day. His sister, his baby sister, his only sister ran from him…purposely.

As hard as he tried, it was an image that did not escape his mind.

Her back was towards him. Her back…she had so easily turned away from him. Not one hesitation to run towards someone else…to run away from him.

Touya still could not figure out what annoyed him the most.

The fact that she ran, or that she ran towards Li.

* * *

**I hope everyone loves this story as much as I do. I have been getting wonderful reviews, even from readers that don't review much anymore. I thank all of you for your support. I made this chapter longer since I had time, vacations are good. I don't know what else to say besides thanks for appreciating this story. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Beyond Blood**

**Chapter 5**

* * *

Touya sat there holding the book, staring down onto the page but not reading. His mind had got caught in a world wind of thoughts.

It was during her first year in high school that it became aware to him. His little sister was becoming a young woman. And it was driving him insane.

She did not pretend to act more mature or more womanly. The transition had already begun and he knew why.

Syaoran Li.

That name struck a nerve. His muscles tightened just thinking about the brat.

He could never forget it. The first day he encountered that name, that name he wished he could have destroyed. Syaoran Li, that man took something of his, something precious and irreplaceable.

His little sister.

His grip on the book tightened as he recalled the day it became evident. He remembered it all too clear….

It was cold outside. The middle of winter brought the usual foot of snow. The crisp chilled air was relaxing. The falling snow confined everyone to their houses spreading a blanket of tranquility over the town.

Touya had closed the door behind him. Kicking off his boots and taking off his coat the aroma in the house leaded him towards the kitchen.

His dad had come home early and had already started dinner.

"You're home early."

Stirring the wooden spoon around the metal pot, his father smiled at the sight of him.

"Remember that young man at work I was telling you about? Well my boss wanted to see how well he could do on his own, so they sent me home early."

"I'm going to go upstairs and change."

"Tell Sakura that dinner is almost ready."

Heading up the stairs he went to turn the knob to his room when he remembered to tell his sister about dinner.

Touya knocked on the door waiting to hear her voice.

"Come in."

She was sitting in the middle of her floor holding a text book in one hand and a yellow highlighter in the other.

"Hey squirt. Dad said dinner will be ready soon."

Touya sat on her bed watching her read over some words and highlighting others.

"Ok…tell him I'll be down in a minute."

He admired how much self discipline she had. She would miss being with her friends and watching her favorite program just to do a report or some homework.

Standing up he prepared to leave when he saw something foreign sitting on top of her dresser.

"What's that?"

He was pointing to a clear bottle containing some liquid.

"Oh, it's just some perfume."

_Perfume? Sakura doesn't wear perfume. _

"You know, no amount of perfume can hide the stench of a monster."

She looked up at him with a smile.

"Haha, every funny."

That playfulness went as quickly as it came. Putting her head back in the books she failed to notice her brother walking towards the dresser.

Touya picked up the bottle spraying it into the air.

_Raspberries._

Placing the bottle back down, he noticed a small ripped pieced of paper with a number on it.

"Who's this?"

"What?"

Her head was still in the books.

"Who's this…Syaoran Li?"

She waved him off not bothering to look up.

"Oh, that's just a friend from school. I met him a couple of weeks ago."

He stood there watching her. To her it was no big deal. This Li guy was just another friend.

But he knew better. That was the first number she brought home. And he knew it would not be her last.

Blinking back into reality Touya shook his head. So many thoughts flowed through him.

That young man that his father was training…he was the one that replaced him…he was the reason why his father was out of work.

And that number…that little piece of paper with his name on it.

"Syaoran Li."

At the time, a part of him wanted to tear that paper to shreds and forbid her from ever speaking to him again. That part of him still lingers.

That was the guy she ran to. That was the guy that took his place. All his life he had treated her like a daughter, protecting her like a father would.

And like a father, he had to stand back and watch his baby grow up.

He remembered holding his baby sister in his arms when they were younger. Sitting in the couch rocking her to sleep just to feel her warm body and smell that new baby fragrance that encircled her.

He used to argue with his parents to keep holding her. He wanted to bring her everywhere and show off his baby sister. She was so cute and lovable…so innocent.

Looking down at the book it was clear that her innocence was vanishing. She was becoming an adult and leaving the naive childish thoughts behind.

* * *

**December 28**

**The sun's rays shinning onto my face woke me up. **

**That musky scent overwhelmed me, made me light headed. Refusing to open my eyes I repositioned, feeling under my hands a body radiating my chilled skin. **

**Finally forced to open my lids I saw his piercing amber eyes gazing down at me. **

**For a moment I stalled. This was a vision that I had begged to see years before. The man that I thought I loved lying next to me. But that moment did not last. Soon I was pushing him away from me and wrapping the covers around myself. **

**What have I done? How did I get here?**

**Questions no girl wants to have to think of when they wake up in the arms of a man. **

**And then the most haunting thought appeared. **

**Did he take advantage of me?**

**It was a rational question to have asked myself when in that position. However, it was a question I wanted no answer to. If the answer was yes then I had just been victimized by my best friend, the guy I once loved. And if it was no, then I would feel immense guilt for ever contemplating that he could do such a thing. **

**He must have seen the horror on my face. His next words were explanatory. **

"**I didn't think you wanted to go home, not after running away from your brother. So I brought you here. I slept on the couch…well until I saw you shaking so I…"**

**I looked down at myself, I was still fully dressed. **

**He was wearing a pajama bottom and a shirt. **

**Everything seemed legit. **

**That guilty feeling started to kick in. How could I have ever thought that Syaoran would do such a thing? It was Syaoran, he would never purposely hurt me. Plus…there was no way that he even thought of me like that. **

**He stood there staring at me, probably trying to read my thoughts. And for a minute I felt that he could. **

"**Th-thank you."**

**I looked away from him feeling shame. I felt nude, exposed. **

**I heard his footsteps grow fainter. He was gone. **

**Flinging myself back on the bed I began to think about my next move. **

**I would have to call my father, explain why I was not home last night. **

**But what if Touya picked up?**

**We live in the same house. I would have to face him sometime. I searched the room for a phone…none. **

**Walking out into the living room I saw the white cordless phone sitting on the charger. My hand glided along the smooth surface contemplating whether I should do the responsible thing and call. **

**My father must be worrying. He must have stayed up all night calling everyone looking for me. **

**What if he called the police? Is there a search out for me? Are there people combing the streets searching for an emerald eyed girl with long honey hair?**

"**I already called your father. I told him you and Risa were sleeping over."**

**Looking over at the doorway I saw Syaoran standing there holding a glass.**

"**Me and Risa?"**

"**Yeah, I figured he wouldn't mind you sleeping over if there was another girl."**

**I nodded my head in clarity. **

**He walked towards me handing me the clear glass filled with orange liquid. **

**I held the glass staring at it as my mind began to drift. **

**I wonder if Touya went looking for me? If he noticed that I didn't come home. He's never home half the time anyway, he probably thinks I'm locked up in my room. **

"**I've got to go."**

**I rested the glass on the coffee table and headed for the door. **

"**Wait, where are you going?"**

**I was already out of his apartment and heading down the stairs. **

"**I don't know I…I thank you…really I do…but I should be getting home."**

**Turning away from his shock expression I left the building and again walked the streets aimlessly. **

**It was barely five minutes when I heard a car honking behind me. **

**For a moment my body jumped thinking that Touya had finally found me. He was going to get out of his car and start yelling. He was going to grab my arm and yank me into his car forcing me to be in his presence. **

**But when I turned around I saw what I saw last night. **

**Syaoran slowing driving by the side walk yelling to me. **

"**Get in, I'll drive you."**

**I rolled my eyes and put my head forward. Doesn't he get that I'm trying to ditch him?**

"**Sakura! Sakura!...I know you're not heading home. I'm not an idiot. Sakura get in the car."**

"**Syaoran just leave me alone. I appreciate what you did for me last night but I…I need to be on my own."**

**I kept walking. Hands folded across my chest, hair a mess, mind scrambled. As I walked by people I felt that they knew. That they can see a piece of me was slowly deteriorating. I avoided their eyes. Your eyes always spoke the truth when the rest of your body was lying. **

**Suddenly I felt a pair of hands grab me from behind twisting me around. **

"**Come on."**

**It was Syaoran. The momentary shock made my body comply with his demand. **

"**What are you doing here? I thought I told you to leave me alone?"**

**At that point he was opening the car door and pushing me inside.**

**I watched him as he went around the front of the car and got into the driver's seat. He turned the key and we were off. **

**When I opened my eyes we were still moving. The surroundings were unfamiliar bringing a sense of excitement jolting through my body. **

**Looking out the window wide-eyed I felt like a little girl once more. Hope and curiosity were building. I took a peek at Syaoran, but he kept his eyes on the road. **

**As the seconds transformed into minutes and into hours, my patience was dwindling. The sky outside suggested late after noon and my eyes were getting droopy again. **

**I opened my eyes to amber ones this time. I jumped at our closeness and immediately started to look around. **

"**Where are we?"**

**He leaned back into his seat looking out his window. **

"**Where are we?" **

**I asked again as I looked out the window trying to figure out where he had taken me. It was dark with nothing but trees in sight. Obviously we were in the woods, but that was all that I could tell from the scenery. **

"**Syaoran tell me where we are?"**

**His emotionless expression sprung a smirk as he took a side glance at me. **

"**How does it feel to talk to a brick wall?"**

"**Huh?"**

**He reclined his seat back a few inches and put his hands behind his head. **

"**Tell me where you brought me now!"**

**He looked as if he did not hear one word I said. Staring out into the starry sky he was in his own world. And I was stuck in it sitting next to him. **

"**My father used to bring me out here…to go camping."**

**A small smile appeared on his face. **

"**He said with all those girls in the house that us men needed time to ourselves."**

**He turned to me smiling as though he was reliving the past. His smile, so genuine, it almost pained me to think of such happiness again.**

"**Now that I think about it, it seemed stupid to leave my sisters at home with the electricity and warm beds while we were out here sleeping on the cold ground and hunting for food."**

**He turned his head back out towards the windshield staring out into the night. **

"**But I would do it all over again, just to spend more time with my old man."**

**His joyful expression started to fade and an unexpected seriousness overcame him. **

"**When I got older I began to have problems with him. He thought he knew what was good for me. Every choice I chose was wrong; every accomplishment was expected and never congratulated. I was a Li, and Li's had to live to a certain standard."**

**He was silent, gritted teeth signaled the tears he was holding back. Li was never the kind of guy to openly cry. **

"**But I loved him, though every argument I loved him."**

**I sat there in awe. I knew he had a complicated relationship with his father. It was evident whenever I would ask about his dad. But there were sides of Syaoran that were to remain hidden to public eyes. As close as we were he still held back. Apparently the dam to his emotions has finally broken.**

"**When he died I hated myself. I was only 14 but I knew then as they lowered his casket that I had wasted what time I had. All those years that I spent angry at him for not being like other dads, for ruling my life, every moment was a waste."**

**He had won the struggle against his tears and began to relax his jaw. **

"**I come up here when I need to think…when I need a new perspective on my life…when…"**

"**When you want to die?"**

**He slowly turned to me staring into my eyes. I saw the water in his eyes reappear, a heartbreaking expression of pity, sympathy, remorse. **

**He licked his lips before opening his mouth. **

"**Do you feel that way………you long for death?"**

**I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have just sat here and listened to his story. That look of confusion plastered on his face couldn't escape my eyes even when I closed them. **

**I felt ashamed. Of course he wouldn't think of death, he's Syaoran, he can manage through anything. But I thought…I thought he felt the same way I did. That he would understand this awkward feeling inside me. **

**I just wanted one person to know, to understand what I feel.**

**I turned my head towards the trees swaying outside my window. **

"**That was a nice story, when are we heading back home?"**

"**Sakura."**

"**My dad must be missing me by now."**

"**Sakura."**

"**I wonder what he made for dinner."**

"**SAKURA!"**

**His stern voice scared me into silence. I looked at him to see how angry he was. But his expression showed more disappointment than anger. **

"**I brought you up here to talk to me."**

"**I don't want to talk to you. You think driving to the middle of nowhere is going to change that?"**

"**What happened to you?"**

"**Nothing I'm fine. I'm ok, nothing has happened."**

**A silence fell between us. **

**I placed my hand on the door handle ready to leave, but before I could pull it, all the doors locked. **

**Immediately I looked at him in disbelief. **

"**Are you kidding me? Let me out!"**

"**Where do you plan on going? We're in the middle of nowhere."**

"**You can't keep me against my will!"  
**

"**It seems to be working fine if you ask me."**

"**LET ME OUT!"**

"**Not until you tell me what's wrong with you."**

"**Nothing! There is nothing wrong with me, I haven't changed."**

**His calm demeanor instantly changed. He had become the Syaoran that was best known to strangers…not to me. **

"**The hell you haven't. I've been trying to be nice. I have been trying to accept the fact the one of my best friends can so easily ignore me. But I can't take this shit anymore. What the hell happened to you?"**

"**NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED TO ME NOTHING!"**

**I saw the surprise in his eyes. He's not used to me swearing. I'm not used to me swearing. **

**I felt dirty, tainted. This wasn't me. He was right…this wasn't me. **

**Sinking in my seat I began to curl up into a ball. Tears were sprouting from my eyes and my body shook from my failed attempts to hold them back. **

"**Just…please, tell me what happened."**

**His voice was calm once more. I felt his hand brush aside the stray strands of hair that fell into my face. **

**The sound of water slowly hitting the car disrupted the silence. First one drop, then another, it was beginning to rain. **

"**Sakura…please."**

**I swallowed the lump that stuffed my throat. Where to start? How to start? He was the last person that I wanted to talk to about this yet ironically he was the only person I felt comfortable around to speak with. To share my pains without worrying that he would laugh or brush it off as if it were nothing. **

**I licked my dried lips causing a small stinging sensation from the numerous times I bit them. **

**I opened my mouth to speak. A million thoughts flowed through my head. How do I explain something so emotional and personal to someone else? Maybe this whole ordeal was my fault. Maybe I was just overacting to everything.**

**His rough hand caressed my right cheek. That was the hand of a worker, a guy that never got anything easy. How could I explain something as meaningless as a brother-sister feud to him? Where do I even begin?**

**Taking deep breaths I decided to tell him. I'm tired of worrying what people think of me. If I come off selfish then selfish I shall be. But it's killing me to hold this inside me. I'm sick of shutting up. I want to speak. I want someone to understand what I'm going through.**

**Unable to hold back any longer I said the first things that came to my head. **

"**I used to have two reasons to live…and I've lost one."**

* * *

Touya could feel that lump in his throat. Not exactly a lump, but the awkward uneasy feeling in your jaw when you know you want to cry.

"_I used to have two reasons to live…and I've lost one."_

Those words haunted him already. He knew what was going to follow. He knew yet he still denied it. It was never his fault for her withdrawal. It wasn't right that she put all the blame on him. It wasn't.

And even as those thoughts echoed in his mind behind them he knew the truth. It was that truth that made his jaw tight, that burned his eyes and made him clench his teeth. His lips trembled and his breaths were quick. Tossing the book to the floor he held his head in his hands.

He began to think of how many times he has had to stop reading her journal. How many times her reality was too much for him to bear. All he had to do was shut the book, place it back under the pillow and forget it ever happened. Forget all that he read all that she felt, just forget and live in ignorance.

That thought to forget appealed to him more than he wanted to admit. But she couldn't close the book to her life, so why should he?

As harsh as her words were he knew that it was not easy for her. That she couldn't take an intermission from her thoughts. She struggled through it endlessly without a break, without any help.

That burning sensation had evolved into tears.

Sliding down his cheek and onto his shirt, he looked at the spot.

_How many tears have stained her clothes…because of me? _

Touya had initially opened the book to become closer to his sister. He wanted that lost connection back. But he was now realizing that this was more than he could handle and maybe that lost connection he was searching for was never really there to begin with.

* * *

**Ok, it has been some time since I've updated. I got a review telling me I must update so that's what I did. It just happens that I finished my homework and had some extra time. So have fun with this. I know it was shorter than I would like it but I had to end this chapter there. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Beyond Blood **

**Chapter Six**

* * *

**December 31**

**New Years. I would never see the excitement in it. Why do people always come together at the ending of each year and celebrate no matter how much that year sucked. They sing and dance and drink and for what? Does kissing someone at midnight ensure a good year is to come? Does being in a room of drunk people mean happiness? **

**Some traditions I would never understand. **

**My father, he's one of the many people that believed in celebrating the new year. At least he used to be. **

**He told me stories about how he and mom used to celebrate before Touya and I were born. They would dress up, her in a beautiful dress and him in a tux. They started the night with dancing, ballroom dancing. From what I heard my mother was an expert at the waltz. Then they would attend a party or two that their friends were throwing. And after the countdown was done they would stroll the streets hand in hand remembering the events of the past year and dreaming of the one to come. **

**He must miss her. To have someone at one point and gone at another. How does he live? Why does he live? For us? **

**I envied my father. Not for the life that he lived or the excitement he spoke of. But at one point in his life he had loved and trusted someone. And she had done the same in return.**

**Looking at the unopened bottle in my hands gave me ideas. Maybe I should taste this cheap Champaign, become an alcoholic and search for the answer to my problems at the bottom of bottles until I found a solution. **

**But my better judgment kicked in. I remembered high school parties. How those under aged drunks acted and how bad their breath stunk. That stench, it must have been the slow deterioration of the liver. **

**I slid the smooth bottle back under my bed. **

**I went to the bathroom. Not knowing what to do with myself I laid on the tiled floor. I felt hot. I felt like I was always angry. I needed something cool, something to clear my head. The cold floor seeped through my shirt giving me that cool feeling my body desperately needed. **

**Closing my eyes breathing deeply I felt free, like I was in a different place. For that moment I had forgotten about good grades, I didn't care if I was the perfect daughter, and I had forgotten about…Touya. **

**Even thinking of his name fueled my anger. **

**All feelings soon disappeared when I heard a strong knock at the door. **

"**Sakura! Sakura open up!"**

**It was Touya. I could recognize that voice anywhere. **

"**Sakura open up. I'm leaving."**

**I stood up staring at the door. Something told me he wasn't simply going to work or practice or even to see Crystal. **

**No, he was leaving, and this time it was for good. **

**My heart was pounding. I grabbed the knob tugging at the door desperately trying to pry it open. **

"**I'm…I'm sorry."**

**For a second there was nothing. He wasn't knocking and I wasn't pulling. **

"**Bye."**

**That word, that one simple word of farewell triggered me. Instantly I frantically twist and turned, leaned all my weight in the opposite direction flexing muscles I did not know I had. **

"**TOUYA! WAIT!"**

**Tears were running down my cheeks. My vision was so blurry that I could no longer see the door I was fighting with. **

**I pulled back eyes closed, standing in the middle of the bathroom. **

"**TOUYA!"**

**I wanted to tell him I'm sorry. I wanted to tell him that nothing mattered, that no apologies were necessary because seeing his face was enough. I just wanted to hold him, to hug him one last time. **

**I wanted my brother back. **

**My eyes snapped open when I heard a faint knock at the door. Immediately I stood up looking, questioning what just happened. **

**Am I going insane? Am I finally losing my mind? **

**No, it was a dream. It was all a dream. It was all an illusion. Everything was fake…everything. His departure, his apology, his voice. **

**None of it was real. **

**That faint knock came again. **

**It was my father. His knocks were always gentle. **

**Rubbing whatever sleepy feelings away from my face I felt something odd, something wet. **

**Looking in the mirror my blood shot eyes gazed back at me. **

**My mouth slightly dropped open as I took an involuntary intake of breath. **

**My cheeks, stained with dried tears. My eyes, puffy. I was crying, those tears were real, my emotions were real, that pain…real. **

**Splashing cold water on my face I calmed myself down pretending I couldn't see the redness in my eyes. **

**I took a deep breath and opened the door. **

**But it wasn't my father standing on the other side. **

**My breath caught looking into his shocked brown eyes. He didn't say anything. This meeting wasn't planned. **

**Too bad. **

"**Sakura…"**

**I missed hearing him say my name. I missed seeing him look at me. My eyes were burning just standing in front of him. A tear slid out my left eye. I quickly wiped it away hoping he didn't notice. **

"**Sakura…."**

**There was silence. **

**I didn't look into his face. I didn't want him to think that I would cry over him. It was a result of the pride in me. A pride I knew Touya also possessed. And it was that pride that made me want to punish him, make him feel abandoned, to walk away. **

**But it was fear that made me stay. **

**I already experienced a moment without him whether it was a dream or not. I already knew the regret I would feel. **

**I couldn't let it happen again.**

"**Listen…I'm…I'm sorry about not getting you or dad a gift this year. I wanted to do something special for Crystal and…"**

**The next thing I knew my hands were wrapped around him. My tears were staining his shirt. **

**He apologized. He cared about me. He missed me. **

**Walking downstairs my father took one glimpse at me and put on one of his genuine smiles as his eyes lit up with excitement. That expression were so rare and few in this house lately. **

**But not anymore. No longer would any of us suffer. We will feel no pain. Everything was back to normal. **

**I stood next to my father in front of the television. The countdown to the New Year was starting. **

"**Ten, nine, eight."**

**I was jumping. Arms in air, smile on my face. **

**Maybe this year will be different. Maybe I did have something to celebrate.**

"**Seven, six, five."**

**I saw Touya run down the stairs and wave to us before heading out the door. Looking out the living room window I saw a car outside waiting for him.**

**Wait, isn't he going to celebrate the New Year with us?**

"**Four, three…"**

**My body froze, hands in air, smile slowly disappearing. **

**He apologized, Touya apologized**

"**Two…"**

……**but for the wrong reason.**

"**One."**

**Does it even matter?**

"**Happy New Years!"**

**My father pulled me into a tight hug. And I smiled not knowing what else to do.**

**My father was showing a zest for life, one that I haven't seen in months. My brother was already in the car relieved that we were back to normal.**

**But what about me, what about how I felt?**

**Family first.**

**It is always family first. **

**Even if that means putting myself last. **

**January 5**

**It felt so awkward. Every word was forced, every smile strained. **

**I remember when spending time with Touya came so naturally. Conversation was great, laughs were common. But now….now it felt like a first date, each person sitting there testing out the other trying to read them. **

**I kept my eyes to the television. It was the only thing I could look at while trying to think of the right thing to say. **

**What do I say? What can I say?**

**A part of me wanted to pretend, to go back to the naïve girl I was years ago. But I couldn't do it. Looking back…I just…I refuse to be ignorant to what was going on around me. **

**I was supposed to grow. I was supposed to gain wisdom. **

**But Touya would never think that. He still views me as his little sister that needs to be protected. He still thinks that I should have no idea what sex is or even be interested in boys. **

**He wants me to stand still while time passes me by. I refuse to I won't……but I do. **

**I become the little sister that he expects. The one that he loves, admires, and adore……the one I hate. **

**The night was slow, that was until we decided to put in a movie. And during our laughs and comments I felt, for one brief second, that we were both young again. The years before I entered high school, before he started to box, before he didn't need me. **

**And then his cell phone rang.**

"**Yeah?"**

**I watched him out of the corner of my eye.**

"**Right now? Nah, I'm watching a movie with my sister. Yeah, I can be there. Sure….see ya then."**

**With the flip of his phone I knew what was next. I wasn't an idiot.**

**He put away the phone resuming his comfortable position on the couch. **

**Sitting there I waited. I knew it was coming and….I was dumb….I was so dumb to think that things have changed. I knew it was coming, I knew what was going to be said…and as smart as I was, with all those A's I got in school I was still ignorant. I had convinced myself that he changed, I had convinced myself that blue was red and 2 equaled 4.**

**He stood up, his figure appearing taller than usual.**

"**I have to go help someone out. I'll be back. Keep the couch warm squirt."**

**I nodded my head keeping my eyes to the television. What else was I supposed to do? Breakdown, cry, beg him not to go? It's not like he had asked me if it was alright to leave in the middle of our quality time together.**

**I don't remember when Touya went upstairs. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I had failed to notice his absence. But it was his exiting of the house that got my attention. He left a trail of his cologne as he zoomed through the house and pulled the front door behind him. **

**Not even a good-bye. **

**I turned off all the lights on the first floor and grabbed the remote as I slouched in the couch wasting time. I had to be an idiot. Here I am waiting on someone that walked out on me. **

**Am I that lonely that I would wait on someone that could care less if I was here when he returned?**

**The next thing I remember was the doorbell waking me up. **

**I looked at my watch. A quarter pass nine. **

**Touya left 45 minutes ago. **

**Eyes half closed, I stood up stumbling into the coffee table and tripping over myself to get to the door. And even though I knew that I should have ignored that bell and headed upstairs or run to the front door screaming with my face red from rage, a part of me was anticipating his return. I just wanted him to care enough to come back.**

**I wanted him to want to be with me.**

**Swinging open the door I saw two amber orbs gently staring back at me. **

"**Syaoran?" **

**I froze. He was the last person I thought I would see. After our little conversation in the car I figured that he would just leave me alone. Sign me off as crazy and end our friendship there. **

"**Are we just going to stand here or are you going to let me in?"**

**He didn't give me a chance to reply, he was already in my house looking around. **

"**You know this is the first time I've ever been to your house. Well I have been here but never inside."**

**He had his hands in his pockets leaning towards the wall looking at our family picture, or at least what used to be a family. **

"**Why haven't you ever invited me in? We've been close for so many years I…"**

"**It's not you. It's my brother. He has a bad reaction when I bring home guys."**

**He raised an eyebrow. **

"**How many guys have you invited before me?"**

**I looked away. Even though he knew about my non-existent love life, I still didn't like talking to him about it. **

"**Two. One was when I was little. He was a next door neighbor. We used to wrestle around. Touya didn't like how much he had to touch me to wrestle, so he kicked him out. We were only four, what did he think was going to happen?"  
**

**He chuckled before asking another question.**

"**And who was the other guy? That dumbass you dated in high school?"**

"**What's with the nick name? I thought he was one of your friends?"**

"**Ah…he was, but that's not the point."**

**I smiled and clapped my hands together. **

"**Well, you'll be happy to know that you are lucky number two."**

**I was smiling. I didn't even notice it until I saw my reflection in the mirror. It came so naturally to be happy when Syaoran was around. **

**After examining every corner of the entrance way he stood in front of me. His figure standing over me, bangs covering most of his eyes. **

"**Well then maybe we should celebrate….do something that your brother wouldn't approve of."**

**I swallowed hard. **

**What was going on? There is no way that Syaoran is standing in my house suggesting what I think he is suggesting. **

"**Come on."**

**He pulled on my hand trying to get me out of the door. **

"**Come where? It's already past nine. What if Touya comes back, I don't have my keys. Syaoran, Syoaran, Syaoran listen to me!"**

**I was half way out the door. He looked back pulling me closer looking into my eyes. **

"**First of all you're here sitting alone on a Friday night doing nothing. Secondly, I picked up your keys when you weren't looking."**

**He dangled them in my face as if it were a mouse and I the cat. **

"**And lastly… you need to live girl."**

**He took a deep breath relaxing his shoulders. **

"**For once do something spontaneous, something that makes you happy, something rebellious. Anything that doesn't benefit anyone but yourself."**

**I looked up into his eyes. Those eyes that could convince me to do anything. **

**Later I found myself sitting in his car eating ice cream parked in front of a lake. **

"**I see your idea of rebellion is eating ice cream late at night."**

**He chuckled then took another lick. **

"**Yeah well, I know you well enough to know that you're not the rebellious type. You're not even attracted to the whole 'bad boy' image because you're afraid that your brother would disapprove, right?"**

**I stopped eating for a second and looked at him in bewilderment. **

**How did he know that? I know I used to talk to him a lot but I highly doubt that I would have told him that.**

"**Well I hang out with you don't I?"**

"**Yeah, but we both know I would never pressure you to do anything. Not that any guy could convince miss goody-goody to do anything that she didn't want to."**

"**Hey! What about all those times that you asked me to join you for a smoke, or a drink? You don't call that pressure?"**

**He took another lick of his ice cream. **

"**I knew you would say no. When I asked, by that point I had hung out with you long enough to know that you would decline. Which you did."**

"**So you asked me even though you knew I would say no. What was the point?"**

**He was done eating and wiping his mouth with the napkin. **

"**The point was to see if you would cave. If you did, then I would have stopped hanging around you. But you didn't."**

"**Wait, you were putting me through a test? A test to be your friend?"**

"**Sort of…but…you're a 'good girl' and always does what is asked an expected of you. And I didn't want to be the one to ruin your wholesome image." **

**I finished my ice cream as well and folded my hands pretending I was offended. **

"**I was a good girl. So you don't have to worry about ruining any image anymore."**

**He laughed resting his head back on the seat looking out the windshield. **

"**What's so funny? I am bad. Ask anyone."**

"**Really?"**

"**Yup."**

"**Ok, have you ever stolen anything lately?"**

"**No."**

"**Cheated on any test?"**

"**No!"**

"**Gotten into a fight, skipped school, received an F in any of your classes?"**

"**Well…no."**

"**You're not bad…just angry. An emotion which you are allowed to feel every now and then, you do know this."**

"**Yeah, yeah I know."**

**After our little conversation the car gradually grew silent. It seems that when we're not talking about old times, we have nothing to say.**

**The longer we sat the more awkward I felt. I began to question whether or not I was boring. If maybe that was the reason why I've only made two new friends. **

**Looking out the window I was searching my mind for something to say. But it was different now, we were different. **

**Despite what he thinks I know I have changed. That I was no longer the girl he met in high school, nor did I want to be. **

**The only thing I wanted was the happiness she had. But through further evaluation maybe it was her ignorance. It is easier to be happy when you're too dumb to notice the hell around you. **

**But do I want to be that way again…ignorant?**

**I shook my head trying to get out of my own brain. Too many times I have sat and analyzed my past. And too few have that ever helped with my future. **

**When I looked over towards the driver's seat I saw him sitting there watching me. His face expressionless, his body spoke no words. There was nothing more to him than what he showed. **

**I felt self-conscience. Friend or not I was never a fan of anyone staring at me. **

"**What?"**

**He smiled shaking his head. **

"**Nothing."**

**I rolled my eyes and looked back out the window. My leg started to shake. I knew he was still looking, still watching. **

**The world outside was so dark I could barely see a tree. Instead it was his reflection I saw. **

**He was still staring, still looking.**

"**Guy, what is it?"**

**He shrugged his shoulder, that smug smile still on his face. **

"**Nothing. I told you it was nothing."**

"**Well then don't look at me like that."**

"**Like what?"**

"**Like…like….like…"**

**Like he loved me.**

**I suppressed that thought as quickly as it came. **

**I couldn't look at him. I didn't want him to even know I thought that. I didn't want to go back to old thoughts. To illusions of me and him, of us. **

**That past was too painful to relive. That past had no future. **

"**Say something would you. I can't take this silence anymore. You dragged me out of my house to sit here in silence?"**

"**Fine, um……"**

**He took a deep breath as he repositioned. **

"**Are you still trying to become an engineer?"**

**I nodded as I watched his reflection in the window.**

"**If you want me you speak you're going to have to talk back. I won't take shrugs and nods as answers."**

**I rolled my eyes thinking how impossible he could be sometimes. Then I also repositioned so that we were both looking at each other. **

"**Yes, I'm still trying to be an engineer. It's actually a lot harder than I thought."**

"**Lonelier too."**

"**What?"**

**I gave him a quizzical look.**

"**Nothing, didn't mean to bring it up."**

"**No, by all means bring it up."**

**I'm guessing he could sense the hostility in my voice, his demeanor changed. **

"**I see you in school studying, and well…you're always alone."**

**I cocked an eyebrow.**

"**So? I don't need people to study with."**

"**Yeah but you need them. That's what you're not getting."**

**He became restless, touching his face and running a hand through his hair. **

"**You need to be able to talk to people. You have to learn to trust again."**

"**Trust? Why the hell should I learn to trust perfect strangers when I can't even trust my brother? And he's supposed to love me. Why should I put my heart on the line again?"**

"**Because he's not the only one that loves you!"**

**Did he just say…what did he mean? Who was he talking about?**

**No, I promised I wouldn't do this to myself again. I'm over him. I don't need him in my life. I don't love him. I never did. **

**I didn't right?**

"**I mean…you're father loves you, and Risa loves you too. All your friends love and care about you. Sakura you can't base your happiness on one person…even if he is your brother."**

**I looked down at the floor mats. **

**He was right. There wasn't anything else I could think of to dispute against the point. **

**I hate it when he's right. **

**After our little discussion he drove me back home. We sat in front of my house for a couple of minutes. **

**I was waiting for him to say something. Normally, without any reservation, he would say the first thought that popped into his head. **

**But he didn't. **

**He was holding back on my account. I could tell that he didn't want to upset me in anyway. **

"**Listen…I know I'm not the easiest person to be around nowadays but…"**

**I took a deep breath trying to figure out how to say this without sounding mushy and girly. **

"**I do value your opinion, and I want you to feel free to tell me what you think…about me, my life…anything in general. I just…just please be your normal Syaoran self ok?"**

**He nodded, understanding before opening his door. Shockingly he walked around to my side holding the door open for me. **

"**Um…thanks."**

**We were both standing next to his car. I was waiting for him to get back in and he…I don't know what he was waiting for. **

"**I had a good time tonight. Just what I needed. Thank you."**

**I gave him a hug and started walking towards my door. Oddly enough when I looked back I saw Syaoran walking with me. **

"**Listen, it's not like this was a date or anything. You don't have to walk me to the door."**

"**It's no big deal. Plus it is the gentleman like thing to do."**

**Shrugging my shoulder I continued. **

"**Thanks again."**

**I reached for my keys pushing it into the lock, ready to take my first step back into my house when I heard Syaoran say something. **

"**Let me be your third."**

**I stopped holding the door half way open. I was confused. **

"**What?"**

**Syaoran, a man who always held his head high, never showed fear in all the years that I have known him, a man that I admire. **

**He was holding his head to the ground avoiding contact with my eyes. He was fidgeting, unable to stand still and talk to me directly like he was doing minutes earlier. **

"**I admit that I no longer know very single thing about you. And I know that we've both grown and…"**

"**Syaoran what are you talking about?"**

**What could he be talking about that made him so uncomfortable? Even years ago when he answered all my questions about sex and being intimate, he was always able to look me straight in the eye. **

**And then in one instant he blurted it out. He said something that I would never forget, something that would make the rest of my life bearable. **

"**I want to be that other reason, your third reason to live."**

* * *

"That bastard!"

Touya flung the book across the room, hitting the opposite wall.

His chest rose with anger and fell with jealously.

"That damn Li!"

Rubbing his head in frustration he felt an anger that he knew should not be residing in him.

Syaoran in his own way was helping his little sister, making her happy when no other could. But that wasn't his job. Syaoran wasn't supposed to enter her life and replace him, replace her brother.

Getting up he slowly went to pick up her diary.

Looking at the hard cover all he could think of were the emotions that it stirred inside of himself. Thinking of the amount of times that he has thrown it aside or in some other way separated himself from it just to spare himself from the truth. Just so that his final thought wouldn't become his only thought.

"I was an awful brother."

Those words, although painful to speak, were true to him.

Head down, eyes closed, book in hand, he sat on her bed silently as if waiting for his punishment to come. Waiting for a way to suffer for the wrong that he did, for the pain that he caused her.

He questioned himself. Questioned if this was what it was like to be a parent. You love your child and always tried to do what was right for her until one day…one day every decision you made was wrong, every action you took was incorrect.

He looked at the diary, eyes half open, contemplating if he could sustain anymore emotional abuse. Wondering if this journey to understand his little sister better was working, or was it simply showing Touya a side of himself that he's never seen before.

A side that only a sister could see.


	7. Chapter 7

**Beyond Blood **

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

**January 10**

**Walking into the room I felt so out of place. Here I was dressed in kakis and a polo while every other girl here was in a mini skirt or a halter. **

**I stayed with my father. Being with him was the only comfort I felt in this strange building. **

"**Have you seen him?"**

**I shook my head as I searched the crowds looking for Touya. We went over to the ring hoping that he would be standing there. **

**I knew no one, not even his friends. I felt lost; I would have been if not for my father. He always, even in an unfamiliar situation, knew what his next move would be. **

"**Do you want to see Touya before the fight?"**

**I nodded following his lead. Slowly I walked behind him looking left and right knowing I didn't belong in a place like this. **

"**Hey squirt!"**

**The corners of my mouth rose when I saw him standing by the staircase smiling at me. **

"**Touya!"**

**I ran to him, arms open. It was as if I was a four year old girl that just saw her big brother after being lost for four months. **

**I was ecstatic. **

"**So that's your little sister?"**

"**Yeah and she's squeezing the life out of me. Sakura…"**

**I quickly let go whispering a sorry before stepping back. **

**The man standing next to him extended his hand out to greet me. **

"**Nice to finally meet you Sakura. Your brother has told me lots about you. I'm his trainer, Donnie."**

**I shook his hand and looked back in Touya's direction. **

**What was he looking at?**

"**Hello, Earth to Touya?"**

**I waved my hand in front if his face but he only pushed it aside as a smile started to appear on his features. **

**Turning around I saw what it was that had caught his attention. **

**It was her again. She was walking towards us in a short black mini skirt and a light yellow tank top that seemed way too tight. **

"**Oh, honey!!"**

**She lightly pushed me aside as she ran into his arms. **

**Rolling my eyes I felt my father tug on my shirt signally me to follow him. **

**I'm not going to get angry anymore. She is after all his girlfriend. I am going to be happy and support them……I just wish that he didn't always act like I was invisible. **

**The lights started to dim. The first fight was on its way. Entering the ring were two men I had never seen before. The one in the blue and white trunks didn't look like a boxer. He seemed a little too heavy for the lightweight division, and more weight usually meant less speed. The other guy in red trunks looked like a cheap Busta Rhymes knock off. They were standing in the middle of the ring listening to the referee briefly explain the rules before knocking gloves and stepping back at the sound of the bell. **

**The match was boring. That Busta Rhymes wannabe kept on running around the ring. And when he did try to make contact with his opponent he ended up getting punched. It was no shocker that he lost the fight. **

**My brother was supposed to be in the last fight. I had a long night ahead of me. **

**During the break between matches I looked over at my father who was patiently sitting at a small round table waiting to see his son step in the ring. He, like myself, didn't really care much for the sport. But we were there to support Touya. **

**The lights dimmed and the crowd went wild. All signs pointed to another fight. I didn't pay much attention to the guys in the ring until I got a glimpse of one of them. Normally it is not like me to be distracted by looks, but I couldn't help myself. **

**I've been acting more boy crazy than usual. For some reason entering college has brought forth a girly side of me I didn't know I had. **

**So I became like all the other empty minded girls I once criticized for watching a sport based solely on the beauty of the athletes. **

**After the fight I moved away from the ring and went in search of my dad. It wasn't possible for me to get lost in this large crowd. Touya had friends all over the place and each knew I was his little sister. **

**I sat at the small circular table across from my father and compared him to the rest of the crowd. He seemed so old compared to the twenty-something year olds that were walking around getting drunk. **

"**Your brother is fighting next."**

**I looked at him shocked. **

"**Next? I thought he was going to be on last."**

"**He was, but another fighter canceled and they decided to switch around some of the fights, so as it turns out Touya will be next."**

**I was excited. I was finally going to see my brother fight live. He has only been a professional fighter for the past seven months and I had managed to miss his first couple of fights. To be honest, I didn't even watch any of his amateur fights either. **

**Normally I would be too busy to travel to another city miles away. But for once he was close to home and I did not want to miss the opportunity. **

**It wasn't long before the lights started to dim again. His fight was about to start.**

**I followed my father to the side of the ring. Although he was a professional, the whole event seemed amateur allowing anyone to be by the side of the ring. **

**When I heard his music I couldn't help but smile. **

**He had his own song! One that was made especially for him!**

**Given it was made by one of his friends, but still, how many people can say they have their own entrance music?**

**I screamed as loud as possible trying to let Touya hear me over the roar of the crowd. It didn't work but that didn't stop me from trying. **

**Around me were guys that came here to support Touya in his fight, they were all his friends since high school. He never did have a problem making friends with people. **

**Touya was in the middle of the ring facing his opponent. The referee quickly explained the rules to both of them, had them tap gloves and then the bell rang signaling the start of the fight. **

**Immediately they both headed towards each other testing the waters. Touya never was one for patience so it wasn't shocking that he threw the first punch.**

**Everyone around me was yelling, 'Get him! Kill him! Knock him out!'**

**Seconds passed by and they started to exchange blows. Touya was doing well. He would move in, jab the guy and quickly step back. His opponent was executing the same technique also landing some jabs. They continued like that until the round ended and they were forced back into their corners. **

**Touya was best known for his interesting fights. If you wanted to see a knock out, watch Touya. He showed no mercy, and fought until the referee intervened. If he was to knock someone out, it normally occurred in the second round. And for that reason the crowd was still on their toes awaiting the beginning of the next round. **

**The second round started off like the first, both men jabbing at each other. Slowly, Touya started to miss and his opponent seemed to get better. Touya quickly moved to using combos, two left jabs and a right hook, some light jabs and a straight right. Touya stayed on the attack until the end of the round. Both men landed a fair amount of shots to gain a respectable amount of points. **

**Unlike in the last break I didn't stop to observe my surrounding. My eyes were focused on Touya. Combos require short bursts of energy. Touya would never admit it, but from the heavy breathing he was doing, it was obvious that he no longer had most of the energy that he started out with. Touya was tired. **

**I could hear his friends yelling words of encouragement. The crowd still had hopes of watching a knock out. I watched him in his corner. He was still out of breath. **

**Out of breath in the second round? Didn't he train for this fight? I know he has been winning most of his matches lately but, it's not like him to not train. Everyday he went to the gym. Everyday he left the house. Where was he going?**

**The bell rang the third round began. Both fighters came out slow. They started out the third round like they did the other two. A jab here, a punch there, both taking their own pace. Then out of nowhere Touya seemed to have burst with energy and was constantly on the attack. Cheers were being yelled from everyone, after all they paid to se an interesting fight. But my ears picked up on one important voice. **

"**No! Touya back off! Pace yourself!"**

**It was his trainer, Donnie, yelling to him from his corner. My dad was also there reinforcing the coach. **

**I looked at my brother. **

**Why wasn't he listening? What was his strategy for this fight?**

**When the bell rang each fighter returned to their corners and it was obvious from that sudden onslaught that Touya had won that round. **

**The people around me were cheering. When I looked around me this time I noticed Yukito, my brother's best friend. I didn't even know he was here tonight. He was standing next to me looking into the ring. **

"**Nice seeing you again Sakura."**

**I nodded, at the moment my main focus was on Touya.**

"**I see you notice it too then."**

**I looked up at him shocked, "Noticed what?"**

**Finally taking his eyes away from the ring he looked at me. **

"**He not fighting like he normally does. Actually I have never seen him fight like that ever."**

"**I know, he seems tired."**

**He nodded his head then looked back at the ring. The fourth round was about to start. **

**Both fighters came out of their corners. Touya's foot work seemed sloppy. He was tired. **

**The other fighter came out slow again, testing the waters. He too must have realized Touya's fatigue because the next thing I know he was raining punches on my brother. Touya was too tired to move and it seemed, too tired to block his face. **

"**Touya put your hands up!"**

"**TOUYA PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"**

**No matter how much I yelled he couldn't hear me. Why didn't he put his hands up? Why didn't he move away? Do something Touya, anything!**

**I didn't notice I was walking to the ring until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked back to see Yukito was holding me back. **

**I was shocked at myself. I knew I couldn't just jump in the ring and help. I knew how the rules worked. So what was I going to do?**

**Looking back at the ring did not help. Touya was now backed up in a corner. He had finally blocked his face but now he was taking shots to the ribs. **

**I could have sworn I felt each punch he took. I think I stopped breathing. I noticed my eyes were burning. I didn't want to cry in front of his friends. I didn't want to show so much emotion. **

**I ran away from the fight further into the crowd. That was too much for me to see. I loved him too much to just stand there and watch him get beat up. **

**Looking around I saw someone familiar. It was Crystal. She was sitting on top of a small round table flirting with the loser from the first fight. **

**What the hell was she doing? Why would she be flirting with some loser when my brother is out there getting hurt?**

"**Oh that's his little sister."**

**I blinked my eyes trying to refocus. She was pointing at me. Why was she pointing at me?**

**Then that guy she was with looked at me, "Hey, you know Crystal?"**

**I turned and left. I didn't want to be associated with her. I didn't want anyone in here to know that she knew me. **

**The bell sounded ending the fourth round. I recognized Yukito and maneuvered my way to his side. **

**He didn't look down at me. Instead he placed a hand on my shoulder. **

**In no time the fifth round started. Both fighters made their way to the center of the ring. Touya threw the first punch and missed. His opponent used that opportunity to hit him before he could recoil. He just kept punching him harder and harder. Watching this again seemed worst than before. I heard the protests of his coach. I heard the screams of the crowd. And silently I wished that he would just fall down. That he would just fall to that mat and end this fight. **

**Touya dropped his hands and the man started to punch his face. At this point he had become a human punching bag. **

**The bell rang and the referee jumped between the two ending the match. It was a TKO, technical knock out. **

**I heard people in the audience cheering. I couldn't understand it. How could they be cheering? Don't they see my brother? Don't they care? **

**I was crying, full blown tears. I didn't even notice. My hands were shaking. I wanted to see him. I tried running to him but there were too many people in the way. By the time I made it to the ring he had already been taken away. **

**Where did he go? Where do they take them?**

**Again I felt his hand on my shoulder. He was looking down at me. **

"**I'm going to go see if he's ok."**

**I nodded, that's all I could've done. **

**There was a small intermission before the beginning of the next fight.**

**I didn't care about the other fights. I couldn't care less if everyone in that ring was cute. I just wanted to see my brother. Tell him I loved him. And most of all I just wanted to make him happy. I knew he wouldn't be happy about losing. He wouldn't mind getting beat a little if only he won. **

**I moved towards the back of the crowd. I came across Crystal again. She was still sitting on that table with that man, but this time…it was different. **

**She was crying. She was sobbing about how my brother had been hurt so much. She was complaining about how she couldn't stand to see him get hurt, everything she said was about her. **

**Not once did I hear her say anything that remotely resembled concern for my brother. And she was still there with that ugly dead beat loser from the first fight. **

"**Hey you!" **

**He was referring to me. **

"**Your friend here is crying, console her."**

**Crystal looked at me with those pathetic watery eyes. **

"**Oh, Sakura can you go get me a tissue?"**

**I walked away clenching my fist. If she wasn't his girl…if only she wasn't his girl….**

**An hour passed, my tears have dried up but my anger was still there. Yukito advised me not to go see him. He told me that there were doctors taking care of his cuts and he'll be out soon. **

**One fight was in progress. I couldn't watch it, and it seemed like I wasn't alone. Most of Touya's friends had left early and the ones that stayed were with me sitting in a secluded part of the club just waiting to see if he was ok. **

**They were all nice to me since I was his sister. Each of them looking out for me making sure I didn't get lost. My dad was with Touya. He came by earlier to see how I was doing but I made him go back. How I was doing wasn't important. **

**Crystal came by with some of her friends happy and cheerful. She had a camera in one hand and some form of alcohol in the other. **

**She got over her grief pretty quick. **

"**You guys have go to meet my friends!"**

**She came over introducing them to us, like I cared. **

**Then a tall slender blonde man walked up to her. Her eyes lit up and she immediately gave him a hug. **

"**Oh my god!" **

**She turned to us gesturing to the blonde haired man. **

"**This guy is the greatest guy ever. I love him!"**

**I got up ready to walk away. I was in no mood to deal with her whacked out friends. **

"**Oh Sakura," she handed me the camera that was in her hand, "you have to take of picture of us right now, he looks so handsome!"**

**I took a quick glance at the guy. **

"**Who is he?"**

"**Oh, he's someone I work with."**

"**Then you'll see him again tomorrow." **

**I tossed the camera back at her and left. **

**After wondering around the club I managed to find out where Touya was. He was on the balcony of the second floor. **

**They should have never picked a night club to host a fight. **

**I stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him to come down. Dad was still up there with him. I wish I knew how he was. **

**I saw my dad coming down the stairs. His normal smile was not present. **

"**Touya is fine. He's got some cuts and bruises but nothing that won't heal."**

"**How is he otherwise? How is he taking the lost?"**

"**He'll manage. I'm going to go use the bathroom and then we'll leave."**

**I looked up at the stairs. **

**He's ok…physically. **

**Making my way up the stairs I felt unsure. **

**Should I bother him? We're leaving anyway. He wouldn't be leaving if he didn't feel better…right?**

**When I got to the top of the stairs I found out that I wasn't alone. Crystal had somehow managed to be by my side. **

**I should have known it was her by that smell of hard liquor that was her aura. But I didn't care. I wasn't going to let her bother me, not now. **

**I saw my brother. He was sitting on a couch surrounded by other guys…I think they were his friends.**

**I ran to him.**

"**Touya are you ok?"**

**When I was closer to him I noticed the swelling, the cuts, the deformity that comes after being apart of a fight. **

**I only stared for a second before realizing that it was my brother. That he may not look exactly the same but that he needed me now more than ever. **

**He got up from the couch and opened his arms. **

**I thought he was going to hug me. I thought he was happy to see me. But instead it was her. Crystal was now in front of me hugging my brother. **

**I stood there until he was done talking to her. He was so happy to see her. He had no clue that she was flirting with another man earlier, that I heard her giving him her number as I walked away. He had no clue, and I wasn't going to tell him. **

**When he was done with her he looked at me, not out of happiness, but out of anger. **

"**Sakura, you should go."**

**My legs froze, I couldn't move. **

**He wanted me to leave? Me?**

"**Now! Go!"**

**I clenched my teeth and immediately turned around and ran down the stairs. I didn't want his friends to see me crying. I didn't want anyone to see my tears.**

* * *

Sitting there staring down at the book, he no longer had any energy left in him to toss it, kick it, not even to close it.

What amazed him the most was not just Sakura's view of the world, but how different their views were.

He did not intend to come off that angry. And if anything he was upset about the match, not with her.

It was so easy for him to see her view, to understand it. But he couldn't help but think that the same thing did not apply the other way around. Did Sakura ever really stop to analyze the situation, or did she just react naturally?

He knew what he did was wrong. He knew that he should have been more of a brother at that time, or maybe he could have apologized for his behavior. But it had never occurred to him then that he had to, that he had to justify everything with Sakura.

He lightly laughed at himself as he began to shake his head.

He remembered that night, and he knew fully well why he didn't want to see his little sis. She had always looked up to him. He was a role model for her. And he couldn't bear the thought that she saw him at his weakest. That she was among the many in the crowd that came expecting him to win and instead watched him lose.

He had thought that he disappointed her. That she would not want to admit to anyone that the guy that got knocked out was her brother.

Tears filled his eyes, or maybe, they never left. Closing them he heard the sound they made as it hit the pages of the book.

There he was trying to show her how strong he could be. How perfect he was as a brother. But instead he failed.

He lost the battle of strength, and he lost a sister.

* * *

**January 11**

**I'm still waiting for Touya to come home. **

**He was supposed to come home with us last night, I was supposed to console him, to make him feel better. But then again, I was supposed to sleep last night, and Crystal was supposed to be the best girlfriend. **

**Nothing ever happens the way it's supposed to anymore. **

**I had no reason to leave my bed. I wasn't hungry and there was no one knocking at my door to pull me out of my house this time. **

**Dad was at work. He was forced to take a demeaning job as an assistant. He had no choice. Bills were piling up and am still in no position to help. **

**School doesn't start for another couple of days. I have nothing to focus on to keep my mind distracted. **

**I felt like nothing. Without school and people I was nothing. I wasted my time in bed for the rest of the day. **

**I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. I didn't deserve to sleep. **

**January 12**

**Why did I pick up the phone? **

**I was so content with sitting in my room all day. **

"**Sakura come on, it'll be fun."**

**Risa seemed more cheerful now than through all the years that I've known her. We were waiting in the food court for Tomoyo. They have never met before and Risa was eager to see who this new friend of mine was. **

"**Aw, Sakura, you'd look cuter if you weren't sulking."**

"**Don't worry about her. She's still bothered by that fight her brother had."**

**I looked at Risa. She was a good friend. She was trying to make an excuse for my depression. But her explanation wasn't true.**

**It did bother me to watch my brother get beat up. But that wasn't why I was like this, why I was still depressed. **

**It was his choices, the choices he picked over me. **

**Throughout most of our time in the mall I was walking behind them, watching how quickly Tomoyo and Risa were becoming friends.**

**The only thing that bothered me about their new friendship was that they felt the need to talk about me. And it was Tomoyo that started the conversation. **

"**Has she always dressed that way?"**

"**No, it used to be worse. But now it seems that she care what other people think of her, kind of."**

**Tomoyo flipped her hair, "I don't think much has changed then. You should've seen how she came to class every week. Especially with all those cute guys around her. It's like she didn't even notice them.**

"**She was always around cute guys. That was one of the perks of having a friend interested in engineering. She could always introduce me to them. **

"**Really, I'll have to try that. So then she must have dated a lot right? With all those guys around."**

"**She was always weird in that way. She was never really interested. There was that one guy she went out with, but I don't think she even liked him. Oh, but there was Syaoran."**

**Syaoran, why are they talking about him. Tomoyo didn't know Syaoran. I had to do something. I had to think of something quick that would distract them. **

"**Hey, you guys. How about we go into this store. Looks like they are having a sale."**

**I held my breath until they both walked into one of the many clothing stores. **

**I was lucky. Neither of them seemed to question my sudden outburst after hours of silence.**

**I don't know why I didn't want Tomoyo to know about him, about Syaoran. Our friendship just seemed too new still. I still wasn't ready to divulge everything about myself. **

**Risa knew though. It was her that I went to when I first started feeling anything towards him. I needed someone to help me straighten out my mind, and she was there for me. I never told her that I loved him though. Well, when I thought I was in love with him. **

**That couldn't have been love I felt. I was too young. I was too naïve to know the difference between love and a schoolgirl crush. **

**I had a feeling Risa knew anyway. She paid close attention to me whenever I was around Syaoran. She never did seem anything out of the ordinary, anything worth all the fuss I though. **

**And if she knew that I was talking to him again, that we were friends again. Then there would be no convincing her that I didn't love him anymore, that I didn't want to be more than friends.**

**Yeah, I'm in no position to convince her. Especially since I still haven't completely convinced myself. **

**January 13**

**I had my backpack open sitting on my bed. I always did this the night before school started. I was always too excited to fall asleep. **

**Even though I am going back to the same classrooms and sitting next to the same people, I always felt nervous inside. **

**There was always a part of me that knew I didn't fit in. It didn't matter who I was friends with, I was always different. I guess that's why it was so easy for me to be friends with Syaoran in high school. We were both outcasts. **

**I heard a car pull up. Running to my window I thought it was Syaoran. Lately it felt that all I had to do was think of him and he'll be standing there. **

**It was a white SUV, the one that belonged to Crystal. **

**It was too late to turn off my lights. **

**On the other side of the door I heard a muffled, "Your brother is home."**

**My dad was so excited to see him. **

**Pushing my bag off of my bed I tried to think if I should bother to make a fuss. Should I run downstairs pretending that nothing happened that night? Or should I go down there and confront him? By the time I had my hand on the knob I already knew what was going to happen. **

**When I reached downstairs I saw Touya and Crystal standing in the entrance. **

**No one seemed to notice I was there except for Crystal. And for a girl my brother describes as sweet she had a devilish grin as her eyes narrowed on me.**

"**Oh look, it's your little sister! Come here little Sakie!"**

**Little Sakie eh? **

**That's probably why she felt so comfortable flirting with other guys in my presence. She still thinks I'm a baby. And who could blame her. I do look young for my age and I have to admit most of the time I do act immature. But that wasn't where she got the impression that I couldn't comprehend something as simple as her flirting with other guys. **

**It was Touya. Part of his denial that I was growing up was to convince other people that I was still in preschool. And sadly it worked. **

"**Hey squirt, come give me a hug."**

**I walked to my brother giving him a light squeeze. I didn't have much in me to give. **

**My first thought was to ask why he waited so long to come home. Why did he even bother coming back in the first place? After a month away I'm sure dad and I would have figured out that he left for good. **

**But then the next words out of his mouth explained everything.**

"**I can't stay long squirt. I just came to pick up some clothes."**

**I nodded like I cared and went into the living room.**

"**I'm going to go help Touya. Crystal you should go talk to Sakura. You both are beautiful young ladies. I'm sure you have a lot in common."**

**While I was sitting in the couch Crystal came in leaning on the door frame. **

**I guess she didn't plan to stay long enough to even sit. **

"**You father thinks we have a lot in common. Would you agree?"**

**I turned off the television. I didn't bother to look at her since I saw her reflection perfectly in the television. **

"**I don't know you well enough to make that call."**

**She finally entered the room sitting on a chair adjacent to the couch. **

"**Well I think he has a point. We are both beautiful girls, even though you may not see it that way."**

**Her words forced me to look at her. How did she…**

"**Your brother talks a lot about you, and you insecurities."**

**Dammit Touya! You don't go telling the enemy your weakness. But then to him, I guess I'm the enemy now.**

**Unfortunately I didn't have a smart come back for that. It's hard to say he was wrong when I knew the truth.**

"**He talks a lot about you actually, a bit too much for my liking."**

**What? Did she just openly admit to me that she hated me? No, that can't be. **

"**He describes you as a child though. I think that was his downfall."**

**She leaned back taking a good look at me. **

"**You're obviously not a child even if you're not fully developed."**

**She just…insults left and right. She had no right to comment on how small my breast are.**

**She crossed her legs and put her hand under her chin. **

"**Yeah, I should have known better than to trust that you were ignorant."**

**What was I doing? I was just letting her sit there and insult me. Whether she was his girlfriend or not I should have said something. But I was too scared. What if she decided to tell him anything, really who would he believe?**

**Miss. Perfect over there or me.**

"**I propose a truce. We don't ever have to speak again once you don't go telling your brother anything to disturb my relationship with him."**

**For once I had something to say. **

"**And what's in it for me?"**

**She licked her lips. We both heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. **

"**I'll let you visit him."**

**She stood up and walked back to the front hall. **

**Touya stood in the doorway between the both of us. **

"**So did you two have fun chatting?"**

**He looked at Crystal first. **

"**Yes hon, you're right. Little Sakie is a doll."**

**Then he looked at me. **

"**You were right Touya, she's an angel."**

**Yeah, a fallen angel.**

**I watched the goodbyes between my father and Touya before they left. I don't remember being so happy to hear him leave. **

"**You see Sakura, you and Crystal are a lot more alike than you think. Maybe if you spend more time with her you might understand why your brother does. And…well maybe you can give him a break when he doesn't come home as much."**

"**Yeah, sure dad."**

**I couldn't stand the thought of having to spend one more second with that woman. She has managed to fool my brother and my dad. She had more allies in this house than I did. **

**As I was heading up the stairs one thought did hit me. **

**Dad was right after all. Crystal and I do have something in common. **

**We both lied to Touya.**

* * *

Touya was in denial about Sakura's view on Crystal. He had always known that she didn't really like her, but never knew why.

_Maybe her view was off on Crystal as well? After all she thought I was mad when really…_

Touya had to admit to himself that he was mad. But it just wasn't at Sakura. With all the fighting experience he has gained he still hasn't learned to be a gracious loser.

_So what if Sakura knew I was mad, She didn't know about what though. What if that was the same case for Crystal? What if Crystal was going through something and Sakura just happened to be in the way again?_

It was hard for Touya to even think that Crystal was anything less then perfect. They were still together. The plan was for them to move where Crystal was from, South America.

It wasn't that Touya didn't see the constant flirting with other guys. He had just learned to turn away. And although her attitude wasn't always as sweet as he described he always excused it has her having a bad day.

But could he excuse how she treated his little sister, his Sakura?

He reread that journal entry many times before forcing himself to come to a conclusion.

_I abandoned Sakura for her?_

However absurd it was, it was still true. And what bothered him the most is. That even with this new found knowledge, he still loved her. He still loved the girl that hated his sister.

For the first time he felt that he had betrayed his little sister. That by loving Crystal he was hating Sakura.

For the first time he saw why Sakura hated him.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**Beyond Blood **

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

Touya had just climbed off the leg press and was wiping the sweat from the machine when he heard the conversation.

"Let me show you the proper way to lift them."

When Touya turned around he saw a dark haired man standing behind a girl with dark red hair with black streaks. He didn't think nothing of it. Guys sometimes brought their girlfriends with them to the gym and act as their personal trainer.

Turning back to the leg press he picked up his water bottle getting ready to leave. It was then that he heard the words that brought Crystal into his life.

"I told you I didn't want your help, so get off of me."

Dropping the bottle Touya quickly made his way over to the dark haired man.

"Hey, is this guy giving you trouble?"

Both pairs of eyes looked up at Touya, neither one expecting him. The man's light blue, almost translucent, eyes were narrowed on Touya's. Touya however concentrated on the girl in front of him. Her expression was blank, yet her eyes were telling him something different. They were asking him for help.

"Look buddy, this is none of your business. Just move along would ya?"

The man was right, that was none of his business. Touya had as much right to intervene as that guy did bothering that girl. But there was only one word that popped into his head. One word that even though he may have wanted to leave without causing a screen prevented him from moving his feet.

Sakura.

"Listen guy, if she doesn't want your help then you're just going to have to accept that. She came here to get in shape, raise her heart rate and go home."

The man walked out from behind the girl raising his chest in the air. Touya has seen the type before. The guys that took too many steroids and felt that they were entitled to any girl they pleased.

"Listen, I'm not going to tell you again, get lost!"

"I'll leave when I'm good and ready."

At this point the man waas no longer thinking about the girl he was pursuing. The situation has turned into one of self pride and Touya was endangering his.

"It's your funeral."

The man threw a puch at Touya. However, since Touya has been training to become a boxer his speed has increased. Without signs of effort he manged to dodge the attack.

Slowly people started to gather around them. Crystal was still standing there watching the fiasco unfolding before her.

Quickly the man's temper was rising. It was one thing to threaten his pride, another to make him look like a fool in front of the crowd. The dark haird man quickly turned around swinging another fist in the air, but this time he hit flesh. He had hit Touya square in the jaw, the perfect spot.

More people started to gather, and each were shocked to see that Touya wasn't knocked out by that blow. Instead he stood there setting his eyes back on his opponent.

Again the dark haird man lunged at him, throwing another wild punch. Touya dodged, but this time he moved the guy in the direction of his momentum then punched him in his lower back.

"Alright break it up!"

A man in a bright yellow shirt with the word 'staff' written in black pushed Touya in one direction while another man pulled his opponent in the other.

Men from the crowd began to boo and slowly the people went back to what they were doing.

Touya was escorted outside. The man in the yellow shirt threw his gym bag on the ground and yelled at him for fighting.

Shruggin his shoulders Touya turned around and headed for the street. As he was walking along the sidewalk he heard someone yelling to him.

"Hey you!"

Looking around, he noticed that it was the girl that he was defending.

She ran up to him waving her hands in the air.

"I just wanted to thank you. No guy has ever done that for me. Not even my boyfriends."

"It was nothing."

"No, really I mean it. You even got kicked out because of me. I feel awful."

He quickly looked her up and down not realizing why the guy was bothering her in the first place.

_Not bad looking._

He shook his head removing the thought.

"Really, it wasn't a big deal. I just don't like guys that take steroids, they're fake. Plus in all honety I had an more personal reason for helping you."

"Personal?"

"Yeah, you see I have a little sister. And I imagine that someday some loser is going to bother her, and I would like to think that there would be a guy nice enough to help her out."

She looked at him, eyes wide open. To her he seemed like a saint. It was as if she had never encountered a man like Touya before.

"You are really a great person. I feel even worse that I got you in trouble in there. Did they ban you from the gym?"

"No, but apparently that was my first strike."

Touya was looking at the gym behind her, the cars passing by, the signs on the side of the road. He was looking everywhere but at her. The last thing he wanted to do was get involved in another realationship. Plus he felt that having a girl in his life at the moment would affect his boxing.

"Listen I have to go, so see ya."

He started to walk again until he heard her voice once more.

"Are you walking? At least let me give you a ride."

He stopped turning towards her cocking one eyebrow.

"It's the least I can do."

---

He remember it all so clearly, the first time they met.

He was reluctant at first. She had asked him out but he refused. He wanted to work on his boxing; he wanted to train night and day. But he had convinced himself that time with her wouldn't hurt.

He stroked his hands through his hair.

That fight that Sakura went to, the first one he lost in his professional career. Crystal was the reason, she was the reason why for the weeks preceeding that fight he couldn't get any sleep.

She continued to call him night after night afraid to be alone. She was afraid of her ex-boyfriend, that he was following her.

Sure enough her fears became reality when someone knocked on her door in the middle of the night.

Touya was sleeping at her condo at the time and opened the door to a drunk man holding a small switch blade. It was from that moment that Touya had spent most of his nights at her place sleeping with an ax by his side. It was then that his energy started to fade. She was consuming him.

Quickly he went to the next entry. He rather not think that Crystal was at fault, that she was anything less than perfect. But he already knew the truth. He already knew long before he opened the journal in his hands. However, seeing it written made it real.

* * *

**January 14****th**

**I don't know what happened to me. What drastic change occured within my body overnight? **

**I couldn't move, my body refused to move. More like my mind did not allow me to stand. Every time I attempted to get up I became light-headed, dizzy, and drifted like a drunken man. **

**My father entered my room with a bowl of soup and a concerned look on his face. **

**"Are you feeling any better?"**

**I nodded, I always nodded. If I said no then the lines on his face might become permanent. **

**Regardless of what I said he still placed the back of his hand on my forehead. **

"**A bit cooler, but not completely gone."**

**He stood there staring, thinking. And I already knew each thought. **

"**Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I don't want you to miss a day of work on my account."**

"**Well…I can call in…"**

**He was juggling two plates. He could go to work and forget about his sick little girl lying in bed with a fever. Or he could stay home by my side not getting paid, and not being able to pay the bills. **

**Many times I thought he cared too much, paying me more attention than necessary. This I felt was one of those times. **

"**Dad, I'm in college. I'm 18. I'll be fine. Plus I'm only a phone call away."**

**Reluctantly he agreed to go to work. Unfortunately, he had called Touya asking him to drop in on me while he was gone. **

**My mind raced. I didn't want to see Touya. I didn't want to see the guy that picked a girl over his sister. **

**But did he?**

**Then the most disturbing question filled my head, one that I wanted no answer to in fear of the truth. A question feared because I already knew the answer. **

**If Touya did know the real Crystal, if he were to have heard how she spoke to me, would he care? What would happen if I had told him how she acted that night?**

**Would he hate her?**

………**would he hate me?**

**I failed to notice when my father left the room. The only thing I noticed was when he came back to give me a kiss goodbye. **

**--**

**I woke up to the sound of the door bell. It was an annoying sound that varied in pitch and drowned out the loudest television. **

**Not once did I consider who the person was on the other side of the door. So, naturally it took me by surprise when I saw Syaoran standing on the other side with his backpack flung over his shoulder. **

"**What are you doing here?"**

**He stepped in the house not bothering to wait for an invitation. Closing the door behind him, he dropped his bag on the floor and placed his cool hand on my forehead. **

"**You're burning up. No wonder you weren't in school."**

**Immediately I pulled back. His touch……it wasn't meant for me.**

**Before I could speak another word he pulled me over to the couch forcing me to lie down. Then he went back to his bag digging around walking back to me with some papers in hand.**

**"I brought over the syllabus. One professor actually gave us homework on the first day."**

**He placed the papers on the coffee table then sat on the edge of the couch. **

**"I thought you were just skipping, trying to act cool."**

**"How did you..."**

**"You're in most of my classes. Well, the engineering ones at least."**

**I was too tired to make conversation. My head leaned back against the couch, my eyes slightly open. Although I was fully awake, I believe that what I saw was a dream. A vision my mind conjured. **

**Syaoran sat there, next to me lightly caressing my hair. He watched me as I struggled to breath with my stuffy nose. He watched as I wiped away the excess water my eye produced. He sat there observing every unattractive thing that being sick caused. He sat there with a small hit of a grin. **

**Forever was too short a time for that moment to last. For once I felt that he genuinely cared for me. I wanted his eyes to see me as moree than his insane friend that couldn't be left alone. I wanted him to see me as more, so much more. **

**"Sakura..."**

**My name out of his lips was all I ever wanted to hear. For the moment, regardless of how brief, he thought enough of me to say my name. He thought of me. **

**He opened his lips again. My ears perked awaiting his voice, a grunt, a laugh, any would do. **

**But instead my eyes popped open to the brute sound calling my name.**

**"Sakura I'm home."**

**Touya almost walked pass the living room. He must have thought that I would be in bed. **

**"Sakura, dad told me to check up on you. Said you weren't feeling too well."**

**His eyes glanced at me once before falling on Syaoran. He glared at him, trying to intimidate him. **

**Syaoran took one look at my brother, then me before rolling his eyes as he rose from my side. **

**"You must be Touya. It's nice to finally meet you."**

**I could see that this was outside of Syaoran's normal personality. He wasn't used to forcing himself to be cordional. Syaoran was the kind of guy that you accepted as is. **

**Touya didn't shake his hand. He also didn't smile. Instead he became the protective brother that I once knew.**

**"Sakura isn't supposed to have boys over when we are out of the house." He leaned around Syaoran taking a quick peek at my face. "What was so important that you forced her to break the rules?"**

**"TOUYA!"**

**My voice was loud. My face had to be red. How could he say that to Syaoran? **

**"It's ok," Syaoran gave me a reassuring smirk. "Actually I stopped by to see how she was doing. It's unlike Sakura to miss school. We have some classes together so I thought I would fill her in. Everything was innocent."**

**My head fell back onto the couch at his words. It was always innocent with Syaoran. Touya would never have to worry about that.**

**"I should be leaving anyway," Syaoran waved to me while heading towards the door. "Hope you feel better."**

**The next thing I head was Touya complaining about Syaoran and I being in the house alone.**

"**Sakura you know the rules."**

"**Touya, I'm 18…"**

"**And you are still a girl alone in the house with that pervert. What if he tried to…"**

**His mind drifted off into some imaginary world. If only he knew Syaoran, if he knew how unattractive I was to him. **

"**Sakura, I…I don't want you hanging out with him again. He's a bad influence."**

"**Bad influence? What the hell is wrong..."**

"**See? One minute alone with him and you're cursing, breaking rules. He's no good for you. He's just another pervert. Another guy who wants to get in your pants."**

**I struggled to my feet. The room wasn't spinning as much as it was earlier.**

"**SHUT UP!"**

**I felt like crying. I felt like running. I wanted Syaoran to be here with me. I needed him to help me deal with Touya. **

"**You have to learn, just because you like the guy, doesn't mean that he's not a jerk." He walked over to me noticing my wobbly figure. **

"**Plus, you're too young to be worrying about guys. You'll have plenty of time for that when you're older. For now just focus on you schoolwork. Being in a relationship is a lot of hassle."**

**I swatted his hands away from me. I wanted nothing to do with him. I would rather fall face first into barbed wire than have Touya help me. **

**How could he? What nerve does he have to tell me how to feel? I've worked so hard through all of high school to ignore guys. I've tried to ignore how cute they were, how nice they smelled. I followed every rule and now…now I'm not even allowed to feel for other people. I'm not allowed my fantasy world where Syaoran is in love with me. He wants to take that away too?**

**I stumbled up the stairs locking my door behind me. **

**I wish Touya didn't come home. I wish Crystal did take him far away from me. I wished that I was lying next to Syaoran as he stroked my hair. I wish I didn't wake up from my dreams. **

**January 15****th**

**As it ended up, Syaoran was in most of my classes. The only class that we weren't together was calculus but I could live with that. We were sitting in the cafeteria comparing our schedules. **

"**Why would you sign up to take calculus from six to nine?" He looked at me weird like I had some deformity. **

"**Well, I rather stay up late than get up early. Plus who are you to talk. You're taking a lab at that same time."**

"**I had no choice," He took a bite of his apple. "The afternoon lab was filled thanks to some people. **

**I raised my hands in defense. "It's not my fault that you waited too late to register for classes."**

**I looked at the clock hanging on the wall. It was almost two. We both had Electronics I. **

**It was beginning to feel like high school all over again. **

**Walking in the classroom the first thing I noticed was that the desks in the room were different. They weren't really desk…tables would be a better suited description. **

**Finally, a school that realized how large the textbooks were. **

**I was heading for the front of the room. I had a tendency to sit in the front row of every class and this class would be no exception. But as I began making my way towards the front row, I felt a hand grab onto me, pulling me back directing me towards the back of the class. **

"**Syaoran, I'm too short to sit in the back."**

**He didn't seem to mind my objections as he sat me down next to him. The class quickly got started as the professor drew a circuit on the board. **

"**Welcome to Electronics I!" His enthusiasm was beaming through his smile.**

"**My name is Ted Bradshaw but you all can call me Teddy." He moved out from behind his desk as he gently leaned his body against the metal frame as he continued to speak to the class, "Now, before I introduce you guys to some of the components, I would like you to show me what you already know. Can any of you name the components in this schematic?"**

**A tall boy in the second row with auburn hair raised his hand, "There are some resistors."**

"**Yes, yes, what else?" The professor scanned the room for more raised hands.**

**I nudged Syaoran with my elbow, I knew for a fact that he could name every component on the board. Why did he always hold back so much? **

**Then I heard him whisper, "I'll tell if you tell."**

**Quickly I raised my hand, "There are some capacitors."**

"**Yes very good. Anything else?"**

**Then Syaoran raised his arm, holding up his side of the bargain, "AC source."**

"**Yes, perfect, anything else?" The professor continued to scan the room but there seemed to be no one else willing to volunteer. **

**Then the same auburn hair boy raised his hands saying "Wires" in a questioning way that made me feel he was unsure of his own answer.**

**The professor lightly smiled at the kid's attempt to give him the answers that he was looking for. "Yes, that is true, the lines do represent wires, but what else is there in this circuit?"**

**I nudged Syaoran again, and in an instant his arm was raised in the air, "There is also a DC source."**

**The professor just nodded slightly disappointed from receiving the obvious answers.**

**Again I looked around the room waiting for others to raise their hands. Why was it that everyone always felt the need to hold back in class? Then I realized, I was holding back as much as they were. **

**I raised my arm again, "NPN transistor."**

**Professor Bradshaw looked at me with furrowed brows as if trying to figure out who told me that answer before saying "correct."**

**Syaoran raised his arm again, and this time I didn't even have to touch him. **

"**There is a speaker at the output."**

"**Perfect, that is a speaker, but why do you say that it is on the output?"**

**I saw Syaoran raise his brow as he paused to take a good look at the man standing before the class.**

"**Well, a speaker is an output device so…plus that's an op-amp circuit isn't it?"**

**Suddenly, I noticed that the teacher was looking at me. Quickly I turned to Syaoran and noticed that he was giving me a questioning look. Was that last question directed at me? Was he looking towards me for reassurance? **

**I nodded as I whispered a quick "yes" to him. **

**He returned his gaze back to the front of the class, "Yeah, it's an op-amp so the speaker is on the output."**

**I smiled hearing the confidence in his voice. He spoke those words as though understanding the functions of an amplifier was as common knowledge as understanding 2+2.**

**Looking back to the front of the room I saw the professor taking a minute to asses the extent of Syaoran's knowledge before resting his gaze on me. **

**His eyes were quick and questioning before looking to the rest of the class and nodding in agreement with Syaoran. **

"**Alright you guys…and girl," He took another quick moment to glance my way before continuing, "you did an excellent job. I've never had such a group of prepared students before."**

**He then sat in his chair behind his desk and opened the textbook. "I want you all to read the first two sections in chapter one for next class. It is basically going to explain to you the science behind how some of the components work, give you a little background information."**

**Then he abruptly shut the book, "With that said, you're free to go."**

**January 17****th**

**I was tired. Only my third day of school and I was already tired. I didn't even want to think about what the rest of the semester was going to be like.**

"**I'm starving, the first place I'm going is to the nearest fast food joint."**

**I looked to Syaoran, and as if on queue his stomach started to growl consenting to his earlier statement. **

**I lightly rubbed my belly. I was just as hungry as he was. "Thanks for rubbing that in. You know I got lab after class. Now all I'm going to being thinking about is you somewhere eating some beef or chicken or rice without me."**

**I put on my puppy dog face trying to suck some sympathy out of him. **

"**Hey, you're free to join, all you have to do is skip lab, take the 'F' in exchange for a sub."**

**His eyes showed his anticipation for my answer even though we both already knew what I was going to say. "I'm sure lab wouldn't take too long. An hour the most, then I could go home and eat."**

**Syaoran picked up his books shrugged his shoulder and gave a small wave good-bye before leaving me to starve.**

"**Whoever wants to can start the lab now. Remember you need to pick a partner. Anyone without a partner come see me."**

**I pulled out my lab book looking over the first lab, "A resistor circuit?"**

"**Yeah, kinda insulting isn't it?"**

**I looked over that the dark haired boy sitting to my left. I quickly chuckled a 'yeah' before reading the instructions. **

"**My name is Kimori Kenta," He inched his chair closer to me as he introduced himself. **

"**You two in the back."**

**I turned to find the professor looking directly at us.**

"**Are you two partners?"**

**I took a quick glance around the room and then another at the boy sitting next to me, "yeah."**

**Immediately, I turned to the dark haired boy forgetting to asked his consent first.**

"**That is if you don't mind…I mean…"**

"**Yeah, I was planning on asking you anyway."**

**January 18****th**

**My first Saturday of the semester. Nothing feels better to a student than weekends and holidays. **

**I had the house all to myself. Dad had decided to watch the game with some of his friends, and Touya…well I didn't really know where, but I'm sure wherever his is Crystal was there with him. **

**I have been managing to block out Touya from my mind lately. I guess that's the only good think about school, it keeps me so busy I don't have time to worry about the other depressing aspects of my life. **

**I was sitting watching television, trying to relax, but a part of me was restless. I had to do something besides stare at a moving picture, and writing my lab report was nowhere near the top of my list. **

**I sat there for another thirty minutes before my phone rang.**

"**Sakura! Can you believe we don't have any classes together?" **

**I stopped to examine what she said and the next logical answer came out my mouth, "So you've decided not to be an engineer anymore?"**

**Tomoyo let out a small chuckle, "No silly, I decided to study computer science instead. I want to create a program that allows the user to try on clothes online before they make a purchase."**

**I blinked a couple of times trying to visualize how that would work, but then decided that anything was possible in the hands of a great programmer. **

"**Great, at least you found your calling."**

"**Yeah, we missed you. We thought you would be in calculus, but when you didn't show up we started to get worried that maybe you dropped out or something."**

"**We?" Who else could be worried about be?**

"**Yeah, me and the Beast."**

**Of course, Eriol. I can't believe I didn't even notice that he wasn't in any of my classes.**

"**I signed up for the later class that meets on Wednesdays. My afternoons were filled."**

"**You must be crazy thinking you can handle a three hour math course that late at night."**

"**Yup, that's what I've been hearing."**

**A couple of minutes later I hung up the phone laying back on the couch. Tomoyo had called to see if I wanted to go to the movies with her and the Beast tomorrow. **

**What was I going to wear? Something casual? Or maybe something a bit flirty….I took a deep breath…I don't even think I own something flirty. **

**What was I doing? He has a girlfriend. It's not like this is a date, Tomoyo was going to be there too. But I still wanted him to think that I was cute. It was not like I was planning on stealing him away from his girlfriend or anything…more like I wanted him to see what he was missing out on. **

**I rolled my eyes and tossed a pillow on my face. It's not like he's missing much anyway. **

**January 20****th**

**By the time I woke up it was eleven. On Mondays my first class didn't start until one. I had spent most of my day yesterday hanging out with Tomoyo and the Beast…I meant Eriol. I guess Tomoyo was beginning to rub off on me. **

**After getting out of the bathroom I got dressed and headed downstairs. My plan was to grab something quick to eat so that I didn't miss the bus. When I rushed into the kitchen to ransack the place I saw Touya standing behind the stove with a spatula in his hand. **

"**Morning Squirt."**

**I said 'good morning' as I made my way to see what he was cooking. **

"**Grab a plate, it's almost ready."**

**I dashed to the cabinet and back before he could notice that I was gone. I didn't know what he was cooking, but whatever it was, it sure did smell mouth-watering.**

"**Stop drooling Squirt before you drown us all."**

**I rolled my eyes and kept my mouth shut. The last thing I wanted to do was to say something that would make him withhold the food. **

**Once the food was done, we both sat to the table and ate in silence. It felt awkward. It wasn't like the comfortable silence that is experienced between two people that knew each other their whole lives. He felt like an acquaintance. **

**Normally he would have a story to tell, or a question to ask me, or….something anything. **

**That didn't not feel like I was eating breakfast with my brother. **

**I looked down at our plates, we were almost done. I couldn't let this silence continue. Maybe he just had nothing interesting to say. Such things can happen. Maybe it was my turn to tell the exciting stories, to start the conversation…..but what could I tell him? Is there anything about me that I want him to know? I've already learned that anything I tell him will go straight to Crystal. What could I possibly want the enemy to know?**

"**If you want, I can give you a ride to school."**

**I shrugged my shoulders. **

**As soon as the car stopped my feet were out the door and heading to the campus. Somewhere in the rush I had managed to give Touya a peck on the cheek while saying goodbye. I wondered if it was all just a blur to him. At least that's what it seemed like to me. **

**From the moment we pulled out of the drive-way that awkward silence from breakfast continued until we reached the college. I mean…where did our friendship go? We are brother and sister after all. Shouldn't there be some sort of comfort between us even when we don't speak? Has our relationship ever grew to the point where words were not needed? Did I just not notice this because neither one of us could shut up whenever we got close?**

**I was beginning to doubt the strength of our relationship. At that point I couldn't even tell if there was any strength there to begin with. **

**Why was a comfortable silence so important to me?**

**I was lost in my thoughts, nothing new, but this time my negligence was beginning to affect others. Walking into the building I accidentally let the door go, almost hitting someone in the face. I didn't actually notice what I did until I heard someone behind me yell. **

"**HEY!"**

**I looked around to find Kimori Kenta with his arms out preventing it from smacking him on the nose. **

"**I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. My mind was….it's doesn't matter I should have…I am so sorry….are you ok?"**

**For someone who almost got hit in the face, he was wearing a smile which only confused my already messed up head. **


End file.
